How To Handle An Uncooperative Ex-Spouse

HOW TO HANDLE AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX-SPOUSE
Copyright By Merlene Bishop

If you are a non-custodial parent with an ex-spouse who is uncooperative and unpredictable regarding visitation, you do have some choices other than going back to court. A first approach would be staying out of conflict by asking questions of your ex-spouse when he or she puts up obstacles to scheduled visits by the children. This can be done by asking a question after he or she gives an excuse about why the regular visit can't be done, assuming of course that the children are well and there are no family emergencies or car problems.

When you ask him or her a question about the situation, be polite and maintain a level tone of voice. After you ask the question, be silent to give the other person a chance to come up with their own answers. When the answer isn't sufficient, suggest a possible alternative to the situation. Sometimes this will work if they think you are open to compromise. Quite often he or she will come up with a solution if they feel that you are listening and they don't feel pressured.

If that doesn't work and he or she is being hostile, suggest a time to talk about it later that day or the next. The most important thing you can do in the situation is to avoid arguing. You may think that it is unfair that you are making most of the effort, but for the sake of your children it is best to avoid conflict.Children can sense when their divorced parents are in conflict and it is extremely hard on them. They want to love and be loyal to both of you, so when you two are tense and angry they feel confused and upset. They may even feel that the conflict had something to do with them.

Children are naturally self-centered, so when something is not right with their parents, they can feel that they did something wrong. If you have to postpone the visit, be sure you avoid saying anything negative about that to your children when you see them again. It is hard on their self esteem when parents say anything negative to them, so be positive about the other parent.

If you have to go longer than usual without seeing your children because of an uncooperative ex-spouse, find ways to stay in contact with them. Send cards telling them you miss them, or make phone calls. If your work schedule is flexible, you can also have lunch with them at school. Make it a point to go to special evening school activites when you can.

Consider going to their sports games; These are usually on Saturday, and children feel very proud to have parents there when they are doing their best at something that they enjoy. You don't have to sit near your ex-spouse. Bring your own chair and sit somewhere on the sidelines. Make it a point to talk to them during halftime, and be sure you are positive.

Your ex-spouse may be going through a stressful and difficult time that is causing them to be
uncooperative. If you make an effort to be patient and cooperative with him or her, things may go more smoothly in the future. Your children will benefit from your efforts in the long run.

Christian Divorce

CHRISTIAN DIVORCE
Copyright By Merlene Bishop

Christian divorce is a subject that begs for clarity. Christian beliefs can be progressive, conventional or metaphysical, and biblical interpretation is based on their respective understanding. The result is that the acceptability of divorce varies according to that. If you are a conventional Christian you have a challenge in resolving the psychological issues after divorce.

The toughest one is the issue of guilt, since divorce is considered a sin by conventional Christians. This emotion can be a stumbling block for divorce recovery. If this is your situtation, I would suggest that you consider one of the major components of Christianity - forgiveness. Looking at it from that perspective,it is simple and easy to remember that the basic teachings of Jesus were love and forgiveness, and that God loves us unconditionally. Logically speaking then, divorce would not be a sin, and you can forgive yourself and your ex-spouse for the problems that led to divorce, and forgiveness is a vital part of divorce recovery.

This would also free you up from anger and blame towards your ex-spouse. Anger is one of the major stages of the grief process, and if your religious beliefs are reinforcing anger towards your ex-spouse, your task is to let go of that anger and of any guilt resulting from your Christian beliefs.

Consider that you are beloved by God, and hence your happiness is important. In light of this, you can give yourself persmission to forgive your ex-spouse and yourself. As humans, we all know that we are not perfect and on the subject of divorce, we know that both spouses had a part in it. Sometimes the biggest mistake was our choice of mates. Many people get married without being mature and fully in love.

Many people disregard or turn a blind eye to character traits of the other person when deciding to marry, which of course makes for a bad start.

The key to Christian divorce recovery is self-love and self forgiveness. When you ponder how much God loves you, you can move on without guilt, anger or remorse. This opens the door to a healthy divorce recovery and the possibility of a new and happier life.

Be sure to sign up for my free ezine (newsletter) and book located on the upper right side of this page.You can also find my other divorce articles on ezinearticles.com, and Squiddoo.com.

Co-Parenting For Never Married Parents

Co-Parenting For Never Married Parents
Copyright by Merlene Bishop


If you had a child with someone you were not married to, the easiest thing to do in the situation would be to walk away from that person and never look back. However, doing so would be very damaging to the child and children need two parents regardless of the circumstances of their birth. Maintaining contact with your child will be touchy at times, since you and the other parent no longer have a relationship.

Additionally, it may be awkward if you are married. Being married creates it's own challenges regarding keeping the child in your life. Your spouse may not be supportive or may feel jealous of the child's parent. If this is the case, try to convey that they have an interest in supporting your child's relationship which is your personal well-being and peace of mind that
comes from being a loving parent to him or her.

Regarding your relationship with the child's parent, try to cooperate even when or if you have to restrain yourself while developing "bloody tongue disease" - biting your tongue. Conflict between the two of you can be damaging to the child, so cooperation is in the best interest of all concerned. What your children need is a predictable relationship with both parents.

The same rules that apply to divorced parents apply to never married parents. The following is a list of suggestions:

*Do not argue in front of the child. If conflict arises, walk away and talk later
by phone or email.

* Realize that your love for your children is the best guide to co-parenting.

*Reassure your child that you love them and will be there for them when they are growing up.

*Talk with the other parent about your goals for the child and ways that you can
cooperate on that.

*Don't let your child play you off against each other. Respect the other parent's opinion when you disagree.

*Whatever your feelings towards the other parent, be willing to set them aside
when you see your child.

Children of never married parents are more vulnerable to substance abuse, identity problems, school dropout and suicide. Considering this never married parents have a significant incentive. Your child's future is at stake and she/he will thank you someday for staying
involved in their life.

The Causes and Consequences of Military Divorce

THE PROBLEMS AND CONSEQUENCES OF MILITARY DIVORCE
Copyright By Merlene Bishop

If you are the ex-spouse of a military person you know how stressful long deployments can be. Military personnel are expected to put their obligations to their country and their unit first, so there may be a delay in learning about important family issues. Additionally, soldiers travel a lot and the frequent lengthy separations can be hard on the spouses left behind, especially women with children.

Women without children may be more prone to cheating after the long periods without companionship, affection and sex. Men in the military are at a sad disadvantage in the sense that if their wife decides to file for divorce while they are deployed, they are unable to talk out the problems because they are often in isolated places on patrol. This is especially true of military men in Afghanistan now.

Women of military spouses can feel overwhelmed with the family responsibilities and any financial problems that they have to handle alone. Anger and resentment can build up, leaving them inclined to think that life would be better if they had a man in their life who was at home every day. Men on combat duty more often than not develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after seeing their fellow soldiers killed and wounded, or having to kill others designated as the enemy.

This disorder can cause severe nightmares, depression and emotional alienation that stirs up fear for their own safety in wives. Conflict arises between the two and they can't seem to resolve it due to the weight of the other problems and divorce often results. Children of military parents after divorce are likely to suffer from feeling abandoned and unloved because they don't see their fathers often enough.PTSD can be one of the leading causes of military divorce.

After a military divorce, some men who choose not to pay child support are not required by the military to do so. In other cases, military men who pay child support may have so much taken out of their salary that they are unable to save for the time when they are back in civilian life, and they have serious financial hardships when that time comes. Some military men who rejoin civilian life after divorce can feel overwhelmed and suicidal when this happens because they are unable to support themselves due to the amount of child support they are required to pay.

There are some solutions that are being made available now to military spouses on deployment that were not available in the past. With the tech revolution, we have Skype where military people can talk to and see another on computers, and email is another option. However, many men on combat patrol are unable to take advantage of this for long periods of time.

This is a real problem for military families, but there are solutions. Women with children whose husbands are deployed can form support groups for themselves that gives them the help they need in dealing with children and finances. Having this emotional support can make the difference for them and their children. Divorced women can band together individually, or meeting regularly at friends' houses to talk about problems and brainstorm about ways to resolve them.

Divorced people in every walk of life need support, advice and help, and military ex spouses have needs that are greater than the average. Be sure and sign up for my free book here and my divorce support newsletter.

Divorced Men and Financial Problems

DIVORCED MEN AND FINANCIAL PROBLEMS

Quite often when recently divorced men find themselves having problems paying rent or mortgage, utilities, support and buying food it can exacerbate the emotional problems of divorce. When divorced men who are ordered to pay child support are unemployed and having a tough time they may feel depressed, suicidal and helpless. They may not be as aware of women are about food stamp benefits or assistance paying rent or mortgage payments.

If you are a divorced man having these problems, check with your mortgage lender if you own a home. If not, check with a community services agency in your county for help with rent and food assistance. Many men are too proud to ask for help but they don't need to be. Tough times are tough times - period. You can also petition the court for a reduction in child support. This is not always a guarantee, but it doesn't hurt to help.

Divorced men are not as likely as women to reach out for social help, but it is important they recognize that they are going through a grief process that involves sadness, anger and depression. It will help if you talk to other divorced men about how they are coping. If you have no friends who are divorced, consider joining a divorce support group. You will find other men there who are dealing with the same feelings and circumstances of divorce, and their support and advice will make it easier for you to get through the tough emotional and financial times of divorce.

Our society is not very supportive of men and anger. We condition little boys to "be a little man", fathers call their boys "little men" which discourages them from expressing anger. Is it any wonder then that men often do not deal well with the anger they are experiencing after divorce. If men can recognize that and allow themselves to feel angry when it comes up, they will be doing themselves and their children a favor. They will also be less likely to spout off in anger at their ex wives.

The financial problems they have after divorce can add to the anger, and quite often can cause depression, which is understandable when a person feels helpless to solve a problem. If more men understood the emotions that come with divorce they would give themselves permission to experience them, and would also understand that they are temporary and can occur off and on for a year, they would be better able to cope with the financial problems after divorce.

Let's do a review of the grief process in stages:

*Denial: a feeling of unreality, shock and numbness.

*Sadness:feeling down,uninterested in things that are important to you, or that you need to do.

*Anger: this often involves feelings of blaming yourself or your ex for the things that led to divorce.

*Bargaining: you may bargain with yourself that you can turn things around and avoid divorce.

*Acceptance: at this stage of grief you have finally realized that it is not going to go away.

Financial problems can increase the tendency towards angry feelings - anger at your spouse, anger at the situation. They can also increase the feelings of despondency about financial obligations. The most important thing you can do is to get support for yourself from friends, family and other divorced men. Support will help you get through the grief process and be a better father to your children.

See my "divorce ezine" at the top right side of the page, and sign up for my free divorce newsletter. Doing that will get you a free copy of my book.

Are Divorced Fathers Getting The Shaft ?

DIVORCE AND MEN
Copyright By Merlene Bishop


Men, this is for you so listen up. Quite often men spend too much in getting a divorce because they use an attorney, which they do if they don't know about mediation. It is better for you financially speaking to work out the best possible arrangement you can with your wife about property division, custody and child support. You also need to have a parenting plan that has clear guidelines for visitation, special occasions and holidays. This needs to be worked out before your court hearing.

Another important thing to consider for your children's future is working out an agreement with your wife about the their education. You can both set aside an equal amount every month in a special fund which needs to be flexible enough to allow for income fluctuation . This is much more of a fair arrangement for both of you and establishes a good foundation for their education.

I am sure you know how important it is to your children's well being to be an involved father. Children whose fathers are not consistent with visitation are prone to having many problems as they are growing up, including emotional problems, high school dropout, substance abuse and a tendency towards criminal behavior.

It is imperative that you remain involved in your children's lives, regardless of what happens between you and your wife after divorce. Don't let post-divorce conflict keep you away from your children. Many men who have conflict with their ex wives often give up trying to maintain contact with their children because it seems easier to give up. If you are going through this, it would be to your advantage to find a divorce support group. They can be found by looking up divorce support groups on the internet. They are available in many churches and the hours are convenient for working parents.

You can be a FANTASTIC dad if you make the effort !

Sign up for my divorce newsletter and get a free copy of my book shown on the upper right side of the page.

The Detrimental Effects of Divorce On Children

THE DETRIMENTAL EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON CHILDRENS' WELL BEING
Copyright by Merlene Bishop, M.A.

Twenty five years ago a psychologist named Judith Wallerstein did some psychological research studies on the long term effects of divorce on children. She surveyed and followed up with 131 children of divorce to determine the long term effects of divorce on children's well being. Her results were interesting and surprising, and divorcing parents need to understand what they were.

The results indicated that when there was continuing conflict among divorced parents, children's self esteem was damaged, and they had poor school performance. They were also vulnerable to substance abuse, were sexually active much earlier, were likely to have trust issues in close relationships and were more vulnerable to divorce themselves after marriage.

The pain for adults subsides more quickly after divorce, but it can continue for years in children if there is continuing conflict between parents. She learned that children can survive divorce in a positive way if the parents are open and honest with their children, and if they can learn to avoid exposing children to conflict. This can be avoided if parents can learn to talk to each other rationally and agree to talk about problems when the children are not around.

In today's world, cell phones and email are convenient tools for communicating without children hearing it. If you are in disagreement or conflict with your ex spouse, you always have the option to hang up if talking on the phone. Make it a point to email them later to discuss the problem, and always save your messages.

Make a log on a computer program such as Notepad, Open Office or Microsoft Word that contains everything you talked about, including the date and time of the conversation.This strategy can help remind you and your former spouse of exactly what you said and when. Divorced people can be emotional at times and a business-like approach can help reduce the propensity and frequency of conflict. Additionally, if parents can avoid blaming each other for small problems they are likely to have less conflict.

If either parent is remarried and the new spouse has issues with the child support payments or visitation schedules this can be a source of conflict also. When children are exposed to continung conflict after parental divorce, it can damage their self esteem and cause them to feel emotionally abandoned.

If you are unable to establish business-like communication with your former spouse, you need to find support for yourself and your children. Divorce support groups are a good resource for support for you.

It is also essential as a source for helping your child understand what is happening between parents and for helping you learn how to talk to them in a way that avoids deragatory comments.
The detrimental effects of divorce conflict on children can be mitigated if adults are willing to work on the problems, either separately or collaboratively. If your spouse is not cooperative in doing this, counseling can be helpful in learning techniques for effectively dealing with conflict. Your child's well being is at stake.

Dealing With Money Issues For The Custodial Parent

Dealing With Money Issues For The Custodial Parent

If you are the custodial parent, you have a lot of financial responsibility on your plate. If you have child support, that is tremendously helpful, but it doesn't cover all the bases. You can find ways to be thrifty without denying your child enjoyment. The following is a list of possible activities that are enjoyable yet inexpensive.

*Take them to the park with their bicycles
*Join a single parents' support group that has family activities
*Go to local historical sites that are free or inexpensive
*Do creative projects at home
*Take them to the library for scheduled story times-almost every library has them.

Buy some of your child's clothing at garage sales, thrift stores or consignment stores. If you visit them frequently you will get an idea of which ones have the best "stuff". Take your kids with you to let them pick out their choices, tell them in advance how much you can spend, and point out what the price is of each item.

You can tell them that if you save money on clothes, there will be more money for treats. Give your children an allowance, no matter how small, and encourage them to save a small portion of it for an activity or an item that they want, and let them know you will match their amount with whatever you can afford. Of course, this is something you would want to research ahead of time so you will know how much you can spend.

The financial challenges of divorce don't have to be overwhelming and negative. If you involve your children in creative ideas it can make the new life seem fun. You can also find ways to save on money for your own needs. The thrift store idea can work for you too. On the weekends that your children are with the other parent, you can take just a couple of hours to browse the ones that you have been in for the kids' clothes to find things for yourself. You'd be surprised what you can find in the way of adult clothes that are up to date fashion and gently worn.

Saving money on food can be easily done if you make a list before you grocery shop, and talk to the kids before you go about not buying anything impulsively. You can allow for a few healthy treats without buying a lot of junk food or sweets. Snacks can be inexpensive if you plan ahead. Involving the kids in the process of saving can go a long way towards enhancing a sense of family cooperation, and can also help them learn valuable lessons in spending money responsibly.

Another idea for coping with the financial challenges of being the custodial parent is negotiating with the other parent about the childrens' special needs for extra-curricular activities. For example, if you child is in sports and needs money for the uniforms negotiate with your ex-spouse to give you a certain amount each week on an installment basis to buy the needed items. This can ease your burden and contribute to the cooperative co-parent relationship between you and your ex. It can also involve your ex spouse in your kids' activities, which is important and necessary for maintaining a sense of continuity in their relationship.

On the upper right side of the blog, you can sign up for my divorce ezine (newsletter) and my free book on divorce issues. For more information you can also go to selfgrowth.com and ezinearticles.com for my articles there.

If you have any questions that I can answer personally, you can write to:divorcerecoverysupport@gmail.com

Problems With New Relationships After Divorce
Copywright by Merlene Bishop

Some divorced parents get into rebound relationships with people that are jealous of the ex-spouse or jealous of the child support payments, which can cause major problems for the children indirectly. The conflict that can develop between divorced parents in these situations can be very detrimental to children. They can easily begin to feel that they are the source of the problems, which can lower their self esteem.

Some non-custodial fathers get into new relationships with women who want to take over the parenting when the children visit. If they are allowed to do this, it can cause confusion for the children about who the parental authority is. If the new relationship person is jealous of the former spouse, this is also detrimental to the childrens' self esteem, since they are 50% of each parent and they identify with their parents, especially the one of the same sex.

If your ex-spouse has a new relationship that has been introduced to his or her family and is included in the family activities it can cause some jealousy for you. Your family of your former spouse may have some negative attitudes towards you, and if they think that the new romantic interest is a great person that can also stir up some jealousy and anger.

Your spouse may have a new relationship with someone who has children, and that can be a difficult situation for your kids to adjust to. They may feel that because of mom or dad's new interest, they don't get enough quality time with him or her, and they may resent the other person's children because of it.

Sometimes the children of the new relationship interest may not get along well with yours, which can impose on their quality of time with the non-custodial parent. Another situation that many people don't give much thought to is the issue of attachment and loss regarding your children, the new love interest and their children.

When a divorced parent includes their new romantic interest and that person's children in the time they have with their own children, the children begin to get attached to them, and if the relationship doesn't work out your children go through another loss. This can seriously affect their ability to develop healthy opposite sex relationships as they begin to date and can affect their ability to form a lasting marriage. The reason for this is that in this scenario of attachment and loss that can go on for quite a while after their parents' divorce, children develop trust issues and they can also develop the attitude that relationships are fickle and don't last.

In a divorce education class I recently taught to a group of teens, one girl said "men leave" regarding her mom's new relationships after divorce. When I asked the group if they would ever get married, they laughed. A word of wisdom, divorced parents !

How sad that a child would develop an attitude that would prevent them from forming healthy lasting bonds with relationships. The outcome could likely be a string of failed relationships during a major portion of their lives. Please consider this issue regarding your new romantic relationships, and keep them separate from your children's lives when at all possible. Their emotional well being is at stake and your esteem as a parent in their perceptions is also.

For more good reading on divorce recovery go to divorceissuessandrecovery.blogspot.com. While you are there sign up for my free newsletter (it says ezine in the side bar) and my free divorce recovery book. There is NO obligation to you whatsoever.

More of my divorce recovery issues can also be found by doing a search of Google under that name.






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DIVORCE AND ADDICTION

                                 DIVORCE AND ADDICTION

Does your ex-spouse have a problem with addiction ? If so, you have double the issues to deal with. It's likely that the addiction problem existed before the divorce, and you tried everything you knew to cope with it. Here's some news for you: there is nothing you can do to stop another person from drinking or using drugs. You may have discovered that by now. If not, give it time to soak in.

At this point, I want to share something with you that could be a tremendous help. It's called THE THREE C'S:

1)You didn't cause it
2)You can't control it
3)You can't cure it

If you can remember that you can gain some much needed peace of mind. Now, this brings us to another issue: what do I tell my children about their mom/dad's addiction ? The most important thing they need to know is this - it has nothing to do with them. Let them know mom/dad has a disease that is causing their behavior. He or she is not acting that way because they are a jerk, or because they don't love their children.
Tell them about the THREE C'S. This is also the core issue of divorce that children need to understand.

When the childen visit mom/dad, there are strategies for keeping safe when they are with him or her when under the influence. Encourage them to call you when the other parent is drinking or drugging so you can make arrangements to bring them home.. Knowing they can call you anytime can give them a feeling of security. Encourage them to avoid arguing, nagging or pleading with mom/dad when they are drinking or drugging. This could make the situation more risky.

If they have no choice but to ride in the car with that parent, emphasize the importance of seat belts. Let them know it's not a good idea to argue between themselves, or do anything that would increase the stress level in the situation. DON'T ROCK THE BOAT are the keywords in this situation.

As for your dealings with the former spouse, don't try to talk rationally when they are under the influence. If you have an issue to discuss with them  make notes ahead of time about what you will talk about and communicate in a business-like way. Avoid talking in person with them. Phone or email communication is more objective than face-to-face. There are fewer possibilities of getting hooked into conflict.

One last but very important coping skill for you and your children is Alanon for you, a 12-step support group for people with substance abusers in their lives. Another good option is the How To Cope program that the National Council of Alcoholism and Drug Dependence sponsors. They have a program for adults and for children that is very helpful and effective. You and the children will get all the information you need to know about the disease of addiction.

I would suggest family counseling for you and your children  in addition to How To Cope. You are dealing with very complex issues. Remember that you are and the kids are also going through a grief process regarding the loss of the other parent. One important thing to keep in mind is this: your grief process started long ago as your spouse's addiction began to be the focus of your family life. Allow yourself the time to feel sad and angry about the situation. Your spouse's addiction is not your fault. He/she made their own choices to drink or use drugs. You can't control that.

What you CAN control is your own emotional responses. Recognize that you are not a victim. You have choices and you can avoid blaming the other parent. Blaming keeps us helpless and stuck. In order to go forward with your life, you need to DETACH from obsessing about that person's problem. The best strategy at this point for you and your children is to make a life that focuses on YOUR needs and goals.You can, through reading about the effects of substance abuse on the family, gain the necessary knowledge that will help you GROW through this experience and come out a healthier, happier person. The following are suggested sites to explore.

www.http://healthyplace.com AND www.http://livestrong.com

link for further information on co-parenting with a  substance abusing ex:
Click Here!        

          


POSTED BY MERLENE BISHOP AT 4:15 PM
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27, 2010

Looking Back After Divorce - Why You Chose Your Mate

LOOKING BACK AFTER DIVORCE-WHY YOU CHOSE YOUR MATE

Copyright by Merlene Bishop

One of the most significant things you can do after a divorce is to assess your reasons for choosing that person as your mate. There are conscious choices for which the reasons are clear, then there are more smarmy reasons not always evident for why you chose your spouse. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family (an estimated 80 % of us did) you carried unresolved issues with you into adulthood, issues connected to your relationship with your mother and father. Many people are not aware of these issues and how they affected their relationships with the opposite sex. It is very common for people from dysfunctional family backgrounds to choose a mate who in some way resembles their parent(s) from a psychological perspective.

For example, if your mother or father was emotionally unexpressive and not affectionate you may have married a person who was emotionally unavailable, i.e, who had some of the same characteristics. Other issues from your family of origin may be frequent criticism, shaming, embarrassement, emotional abandonment, family alcoholism or workaholism. Whatever they were, they had a profound impact on your choice of a mate, and a profound impact on the reasons for your divorce.

Your choices are not a real choice in the true sense of the word. We tend to drift into relationships with people that seem familiar and comfortable to us in a psychological sense. It is essential to your future happiness that you assess these issues in regard to your choice of a spouse. The best way to start is by doing a written assessment of the ways that your ex-spouse did not meet your needs. After you have done that, think about the ways that your needs were not met in childhood, and of the ways that your mother and father were not responsive to your needs. Was one of your parents overtly critical, or just subtly? Subtle criticism can be difficult to pin down. It usually ocurrs in the form of an absence of praise and encouragement.

Think back to a time when you were feeling proud of yourself for some accomplishment, and your mother or father didn't comment at all, or barely acknowledged it.

Let's assess some of the issues that are part of dysfunctional families:

*No open discussion of problems - whatever the problems, there is an attitude of "it's not that bad"

* Feelings are not expressed openly

*Triangulation - one person acting as a messenger between two others

*Unrealistic expectations for boys - be a man, don't cry, be strong, never let anyone see you upset or sad

*Unrealistic expectations for girls - be feminine, don't play with toy trucks or cars, don't get dirty, always be polite

*Don't be selfish -it's not OK to think about one's own needs

*Don't rock the boat - don't do anything that might upset the status quo

Regardless of the type of dysfunction, you were imbedded with the dysfunctional charactersitics early in life. By the time you were old enough to start dating, you made your choices based on your childhood conditioning. When you got married, it is nearly 80% likely that your spouse had some if not all of these characteristics. The following illustration is a classic example of a divorced spouse that carried these characterstics:

*A person who didn't communicate about important things. He/she just did what needed to be done without discussing it first with their spouse.

*A person who was rarely affectionate. Your sex life was inadequate since there was no open communication.

*There were rarely any open discussions about money. There was more conflict or disagreement than cooperation.

*Your spouse was inconsiderate of your needs.

*He or she frequently put work first, leaving little time for family activities.

*He or she was often preoccupied with "busy work" at home.

*He or she was never available for quality time with you as a couple.

Is this beginning to sound familiar ? If so, your next task will be to look at the relationship between you and your spouse before the divorce. It is a high probablility that he or she had some of those characteristics and you never made the connection to your family of origin. The problems in your marriage that led to divorce were likely intricately laced with the above mentioned issues, but you and your spouse operated on automatic pilot, emotionally speaking and never became aware of them as problems. It was just considered part of the way things were.

However, at some point, the complex issues of family life became too burdensome because neither you nor your spouse had adequate relationship and communication skills to draw from as a result of the conditioning from your dysfunctional family. In situations like this, one spouse may have intiated counseling at some point during the marriage, and began to dimly see that there were problems. These problems could have been resolved if both people had been willing and emotionally capable of working through them. The person who had the greatest extent of dysfunctionality was not able to see the problems - they perceived the problems to be non-existent or blamed the other person for them.

In other cases, one spouse began to grow and change for the better and began to realize that there was something missing in their marriage. Whatever the circumstances were, the one person who was dissatisfied ultimately filed for divorce. Now, for a moment, put yourself in this situation as the one who filed or the one who thought there were no problems. Regardless of which one you are, it is vital to your future happiness to learn about your family of origin and the dysfunctions that carried over into your marriage. A good source of help is Co-Dependents Anonymous, a 12-step support group that covers common issues of dysfunctional families. If the problems in your family of origin were alcohol-related, Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics are good sources, both 12 step support groups.

If you are willing to commit yourself to personal growth, you can recover from the psychological dents originating from your dysfunctional family and learn to make healthy choices in future relationships. Your success depends on YOU.

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Permission to republish granted with author's name and link to divorceissuesandrecovery.blogspot.com

SPIRITUAL DIVORCE RECOVERY

If you are recently divorced, you are facing many challenges, even if the divorce was your idea. You have the financial adjustment, adjustment to single parenting, possible conflicts with your former spouse, helping your children adjust to the visitation schedule, and the list goes on. If you are not a religious person, what source of strength do you draw from during those challenges ? The answer may be something you have not considered before.

Spirituality and religion are two different things. Religion is a belief in something greater than you, outside yourself. Spirituality is a belief in a power within you. The most common concept of God is a transcendent power up there in the heavens. However, there is another belief system about God. God as immanent, as a power within you is a concept that many people have not been exposed to. Prior to my divorce, I was not a religious person, but I did believe in God although I never was a part of any church.

After the divorce a friend shared with me about a spiritual organization she had discovered that had very different beliefs. As I learned more about spirituality I gained new coping skills that were vital to my divorce recovery, which was mostly centered around financial challenges, visitation challenges, and the additional challenges of being a single parent while going to college full time.

I learned about God as a source of inner strength to draw from. I learned about a different approach to prayer that was not asking and beseeching God for help. It was called affirmative prayer. The true power of affirmative prayer lies in the concept that because we are one with God, can affirm the truth that can bring about positive changes in our lives through claiming what we want for ourselves. Affirmations are the foundation of this type of prayer. A good example of affirmative prayer is: God is my source for all that I need, or, I am free from limiting beliefs, and with God all things are possible.

By shifting the source of power to God immanent (that is, within you) rather than God out there, we can begin to recognize ourselves as creations of God. We can also begin to recognize that we are powerful spiritual beings and as such we are the master of our lives. This can be a tremendous source of coping skills for divorce recovery. Whatever challenges we face we can learn to turn within as a source to draw from. A good way to do this is through meditation. There are many, many methods of meditation and no one right way.

The best way to start is to sit in a comfortable, quiet place and with your eyes closed, begin deep breathing.You will feel yourself relaxing and your attention moving away from your surroundings. As you do, imagine a soft light in the center of your field of vision. Imagine it growing until it fills your upper body.

Now, imagine this light to be God's love. After about two weeks you will begin to recognize a source of power you can on call for any challenges you are going through. After you have spent about two weeks doing that, learn to write your own affirmations that you can take into meditation. The most important thing about this approach is that you will begin to FEEL the power of God within you.

We are now ready to begin learning affirmations. The following is a list that I have compiled for those facing the challenge of divorce:

*I am lovable, attractive and intelligent

*I am desirable by the opposite sex

*I have a lot to offer in relationships

* I am competent and confident about my ability to manage financially

*I am a capable, loving parent

*I am attuned to the emotional needs of my children, and I am there for them always

*My ex-spouse is a child of God and capable of change

*I am calm and poised in the face of conflict with my ex-spouse

The most important component of affirmations is stating what you want or need to happen in present-tense, positive terms. They are effective in bringing about the changes you want because you are drawing on the power of God within you as a spiritual being. Using this approach to divorce recovery can give you a tremendous advantage in brining about positive change if you are open to using it, and it can facilitate your recovery from divorce, possibly much sooner than not having an awareness of yourself as a spiritual being.

Divorce Adjustment for Men

DIVORCE ADJUSTMENT FOR MEN

Men have unique challenges after divorce. Unlike women, men are not big on social networking. Before the divorce men were likely to have worked more hours than women in order to support the family, and spent little time socializing. Consequently, they tend to have fewer social contacts and socializing was limited to other married couples and events involving the whole family. Men are likely to feel isolated and abandoned after divorce, especially if they don't have custody of their children. They have more time to be alone, mulling over the details of the marital problems and the separation.

Divorce is a painful loss that involves a grief process, and since men are not likely to be in touch with feelings the same way as women they are less likely to be aware of the stages of grief. When the initial stages of numbness from the shock of divorce wears off and the sadness begins to surface, men commonly don't reveal their distress to others. They are not inclined to reach out for support. They feel that they should be in control of their emotions, and that sadness is a sign of weakness. Men don't normally cope as well with sadness as women. It is more socially acceptable for men to be angry, and easier for them to deal with anger towards their former spouse, which allows them to blame her for the problems and the divorce.

Blaming, like anger, tends to keep us stuck in difficult emotions, keeping us from moving on with life. Divorced men are vulnerable to resorting to the bar scene after divorce, which can complicate things even more. Single women in bars who are looking for men are likely to have some of the same issues: recently divorced or recently out of a relationship. They are looking for a man to "make them feel better". As you can imagine this is a recipe for disaster.

Men, like women, commonly have a low self esteem after divorce, depending on the circumstances. Women are 50% more likely to have initiated divorce than women, leaving men with sour feelings about their former spouse that they often transfer over to women in general, which is understandable. It is easier for men to remain feeling angry and bitter as a result. More men than women are likely to be at risk for suicide after divorce because they don't handle the feelings of sadness and loneliness well, especially when they are adjusting to not seeing their children on a daily basis.

So, what is a guy to do after divorce when needing companionship and social activities ? Here are a few suggestions that will help men get back on track.

*Ask your married male friends and family members if they know any women who would be open to casual get-togethers. When you do get an introduction, suggest getting together for a movie or dinner. Think of it as making new friends rather than as a romantic connection.

*Arrange a home movie night with other guys and any single women you have met and their friends. Make it a casual non-couples event. Your guests will feel more comfortable and you can meet your needs in an emotionally healthy way.

*Join a divorce support group. It will be a good support system for you and you can get some exposure to women who are coping with divorce, which can help you understand the perspectives of your former spouse. This is the best way for you to learn more about the grief process and how you are coping with it.

*Join a singles group. It's a great opportunity to get to know women in a casual setting as friends, and an opportunity to make new male friends who are recently divorced.

*Focus on developing friendships with women. This will give you an opportunity to learn more about yourself when it's time for serious dating.

Men who make it a point to educate themselves about the grief process will make an easier adjustment to divorce. Additonally, men can ease this process by maintaining close contact with their children by phone between scheduled visits.The love you experience from your children is unconditional, and by expressing your love for them you will feel less sadness.

There are no shortcuts out of the grief process. When divorced men try to escape the sadness, pain and anger of divorce by getting involved in the bar scene, overworking, turning to alcohol or rebound relationships they are not helping themselves adjust. They are also making the process more difficult for their children since unresolved anger and pain can seep into your relationships with them. If you are a recently divorced man give yourself permission to feel sadness and hurt by talking to family members who can be supportive and following the suggestions mentioned here. If you can do that, your recovery will be easier and you will be more emotionally available to your children.

TEENS AND DIVORCE

For teens, their parents' divorce can have a significant impact on their life.They feel alone and unsure of the future, and they experience a wide range of emotions. They can feel guilty, thinking that their parents' divorce would not have happened had they argued less or made better grades. They can feel loneliness and depression when their parents are too involved in their own emotions to notice them. Others may have difficulty with dating relationships and sexuality as they see their parents starting new relationships.

They feel protective of parent or the other, they may blame one parent over the other or try to play both parents against each other. They also could feel relieved if there was a lot of conflict. Whatever the case may be their feelings are real and troublesome. It is important to emphasize to teens that parents divorce for many reasons, some of which are related to problems that have existed for years, and that the decision had nothing to do with them. It is also important to emphasize that the parents aren't divorcing THEM. Let them know that you still love them and will continue to be involved in their lives.

One of the most important things divorced parents of teens can do is to maintain consistency in rules between the two households as much as possible. This is a significant component of co-parenting: parents working together to support and monitor their children after they are divorced.

Effective co-parenting involves helping with anything when needed, providing encouragement about grades, and enforcing discipline in a consistent manner. If one parent doesn't cooperate with the other about rules and discipline thinking they are being the teens 'buddy' are actually creating confusion and uncertainty that could cause their teen to act out.

Divorced parents of teens should speak positively of the other parent and avoid putting them in the middle of conflicts or disagreements, regardless of their personal feelings. Fathers need to remain consistently involved in teens' activities, and continue providing warmth and support in whatever way is needed. Both parents should talking to their teen about their own feelings regarding the divorce. Doing so could result in your teen's feeling responsible for YOU. Remember ....you are the parent. They should not feel responsible for your well being. Avoid using visitation rights as a bargaining tool with your teen - it will undermine their confidence in you as a parent and strain your relationship.

Be aware of your own adjustment to divorce, and of the grief process that people go through after the loss of a marriage relationship. Don't let your anger or sadness spill over into your relationship with your teen. Seek counseling or a divorce support group for yourself if you are having difficulty adjusting to the loss. Be alert to any changes in your teen's life; Any changes in grades or changes in the people they choose for friends can be a signal to you to pay closer attention. Any adjustment problems your teen may have are most likely to occur within two years after the divorce. Those who seem to be adjusting "too well", saying "I'm cool with it" or "it's no big deal" may be in denial about the divorce. It may be too soon for them to fully grasp that their parents are divorced Keep in mind that each teen is an individual and will adjust at their own rate.

Remember that your teen needs to maintain relationships with extended family members, including your ex-spouse's family members; do whatever you can to support and reinforce those bonds. Remember also to keep your promises, expressed and implied. It's easy to make more or unrealistic promises when your teen is hurting after divorce - don't compound the problems.

Here is a few other things to avoid with your teen after divorce:

*Don't use them as a spy or messenger regarding the other parent

*Don't use them as a weapon in conflict or visitation issues

*Don't argue with your spouse when the teen can hear you

*Make it a point to have family time

*Be available to listen even if they are angry and blaming you

*Talk about the future

*Reassure them about money issues and be honest about them

Most teens will eventually adapt to their parents' divorce and will develop a more realistic understanding of finances. They will also have an opportunity to develop more maturity that comes with more responsibilities after their parents' diovorce. Remember that kids learn what they live, and you are their role model, especially after divorce. They have the opportunity to learn that problems happen in life, but we can respond to them in positive mature ways.

divorceand emotional abuse, divorce mediation

DIVORCE AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE

If you are planning a divorce or are recently divorced and you feel as though you have been worn down emotionally during the years of your marriage, it is very likely that you suffered from emotional abuse . Emotional abuse can be subtle but it gets progressively worse as time goes on. After a number of years experiencing emotional abuse you can feel like a rock that has been worn down with a steady drip of water.

Let's look at the charactistics of emotional abuse:

*Emotional abuse is any behavior that results in control of another person through constant berating, fear, intimidation, or coercion. It is like brainwashing in the sense that it wears away at your self confidence, sense of self worth and trust in your self.

*Emotional abuse victims become convinced that they are worthless, and often blame themselves for the abuse.

* Emotional abuse, like physical abuse, keeps you tied to the abuser. You believe that no one else could want you, and you fear being alone.

*Emotional abuse is like brainwashing - you lose your sense of self and you become unable to judge the situation realistically.

*The abuser puts unreasonable demands on you for constant attention, but regardless of how much you give, it's never enough.

*The abuser often denies what they said, implying that your perception or memory is faulty.

* The abuser minimizes your hurt, claiming that you are "too sensitive".

* The abuser withholds affection, and often sex They give you the "silent treatment" when you want to talk about the problem.

*Abusers claim that you are the problem, not them.

* You feel like you're walking on eggs because of the abuser's mood swings and emotional outbursts.

No one intends to be in an emotionally abusive relationship, but quite often a person who has been abused came from a family background where they were treated abusively, and as a result they expect to be treated that way as adults. Emotionally abused people are unaware of this because it is the result of long term conditioning. As a result controlling, emotionally abusive people feel familiar or even comfortable to you.

If this has been your experience and you are recently divorced, it is vital to your future well being that you begin to un-learn the conditioning you have experienced. Here are some suggestions about where to start:

Make it a habit to say positive things to yourself, such as I am lovable, attractive and intelligent. Another important thing you can do is to make a personal inventory of your strengths and abilities. Write this in a notebook and read it frequently. After you have done this for a while, start thinking about ways you can develop your talents and potentials. Take an adult education class in a subject that interests you. Instrutors in these classes will give positive feedback to the students. When you get that, learn to accept it and say thank you.

Take time at least once a week to pamper yourself in some way: take a hot bubble bath filled with a soothing fragrance. Eat something deliciously rich and creamy. Treat yourself to lunch with a friend, and spend a bit more than you usually would.

Make it a point to work on developing your talents after doing the personal inventory. There's nothing like success to give you a feeling of self-worth.
Consider joining an Emotions Anonymous group, or spend time on internet social networking sites communicating with people of like mind. After a while of following these suggestions you will begin to feel better about yourself if you are patient and persistent and you allow yourself to have new acquaintances that are positive and supportive.

Eventually, you will begin to develop a healthy self concept and you will gradually overcome the effects of emotional abuse if you can be patient with yourself. After you have followed these suggestions for about six months, you will be ready to give yourself permission to have a full rewarding life!


DIVORCE MEDIATION

Divorce mediation is still like a new idea in some parts of the country, but it's increasingly well-known and widely accepted where it is available. Mediation means different things to different people. In the form I recommend, you and your spouse would sit down in the same room with each other and with a neutral mediator. With the mediator's help, you would work through all the issues you need to resolve so the two of you can get through your divorce.

Although there certainly are several different styles of mediation, there are several things you can depend on no matter what style your mediator uses. Mediation is flexible and confidential. It gives you and your spouse a way to settle the conflicts between you that are an inevitable outcome of a failed marriage. It provides you the means to help you work together as parents after your divorce on the issues of custody, visitation and child support when the divorce is uncontested.

The mediator remains neutral between the husband and the wife. That means the mediator can't give advice to either party, and also can't act as a lawyer for either party. The mediator can be an attorney or a mental health professional with mediation certification.

What the mediator can do, though is to point out in open session to both spouses things that each of them should be aware of regarding what they're trying to accomplish. That open and free exchange of information frees up both spouses to negotiate with each other in confidence. Because both spouses are working with the same base of information, it usually takes far less time to negotiate a resolution that makes sense to both spouses.
The mediator remains neutral between the husband and the wife.

A mediator's approach is more personal and more concerned about the issues than an attorney, and they are more interested in both parties working out an agreeable settlement. If you went to an attorney for divorce filing you would be just a case number; attorneys are in business to make money, not to help divorcing couples resolve their issues amicably. In fact, attorneys make more money than mediators because their approach is adversarial - i.e., the more things you need to workout, the more money they can make.

Mediation can save you hundreds of dollars, and it is a cooperative approach. You and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse can work out the issues in a way that helps you resolve conflicts there and then rather than carrying the baggage into your post-divorce realtionship as co-parents. When you and your divorcing spouse mediate the issues of visitation and custody, YOU own the solutions. They came from you rather than being the result of an attorney's advice or a judge's decision. AND, the most significant thing about that is that the issues you agreed on will fit your lifestyle and the needs of your children better. You and your former spouse can focus on the most important part of your lives from this point forward: being effective co-parents to your children, helping them grow into stable, responsible adults.

Watch for my upcoming classes on Wiz IQ on the issues of divorce recovery. If you can't afford them, I can arrange a way for you to take them.


DIVORCE AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE

If you are planning a divorce or are recently divorced and you feel as though you have been worn down emotionally during the years of your marriage, it is very likely that you suffered from emotional abuse . Emotional abuse can be subtle but it gets progressively worse as time goes on. After a number of years experiencing emotional abuse you can feel like a rock that has been worn down with a steady drip of water.

Let's look at the charactistics of emotional abuse:

*Emotional abuse is any behavior that results in control of another person through constant berating, fear, intimidation, or coercion. It is like brainwashing in the sense that it wears away at your self confidence, sense of self worth and trust in your self.

*Emotional abuse victims become convinced that they are worthless, and often blame themselves for the abuse.

* Emotional abuse, like physical abuse, keeps you tied to the abuser. You believe that no one else could want you, and you fear being alone.

*Emotional abuse is like brainwashing - you lose your sense of self and you become unable to judge the situation realistically.

*The abuser puts unreasonable demands on you for constant attention, but regardless of how much you give, it's never enough.

*The abuser often denies what they said, implying that your perception or memory is faulty.

* The abuser minimizes your hurt, claiming that you are "too sensitive".

* The abuser withholds affection, and often sex They give you the "silent treatment" when you want to talk about the problem.

*Abusers claim that you are the problem, not them.

* You feel like you're walking on eggs because of the abuser's mood swings and emotional outbursts.

No one intends to be in an emotionally abusive relationship, but quite often a person who has been abused came from a family background where they were treated abusively, and as a result they expect to be treated that way as adults. Emotionally abused people are unaware of this because it is the result of long term conditioning. As a result controlling, emotionally abusive people feel familiar or even comfortable to you.

If this has been your experience and you are recently divorced, it is vital to your future well being that you begin to un-learn the conditioning you have experienced. Here are some suggestions about where to start:

Make it a habit to say positive things to yourself, such as I am lovable, attractive and intelligent. Another important thing you can do is to make a personal inventory of your strengths and abilities. Write this in a notebook and read it frequently. After you have done this for a while, start thinking about ways you can develop your talents and potentials. Take an adult education class in a subject that interests you. Instrutors in these classes will give positive feedback to the students. When you get that, learn to accept it and say thank you.

Take time at least once a week to pamper yourself in some way: take a hot bubble bath filled with a soothing fragrance. Eat something deliciously rich and creamy. Treat yourself to lunch with a friend, and spend a bit more than you usually would.

Make it a point to work on developing your talents after doing the personal inventory. There's nothing like success to give you a feeling of self-worth.
Consider joining an Emotions Anonymous group, or spend time on internet social networking sites communicating with people of like mind. After a while of following these suggestions you will begin to feel better about yourself if you are patient and persistent and you allow yourself to have new acquaintances that are positive and supportive.

Eventually, you will begin to develop a healthy self concept and you will gradually overcome the effects of emotional abuse if you can be patient with yourself. After you have followed these suggestions for about six months, you will be ready to give yourself permission to have a full rewarding life!


DIVORCE MEDIATION

Divorce mediation is still like a new idea in some parts of the country, but it's increasingly well-known and widely accepted where it is available. Mediation means different things to different people. In the form I recommend, you and your spouse would sit down in the same room with each other and with a neutral mediator. With the mediator's help, you would work through all the issues you need to resolve so the two of you can get through your divorce.

Although there certainly are several different styles of mediation, there are several things you can depend on no matter what style your mediator uses. Mediation is flexible and confidential. It gives you and your spouse a way to settle the conflicts between you that are an inevitable outcome of a failed marriage. It provides you the means to help you work together as parents after your divorce on the issues of custody, visitation and child support when the divorce is uncontested.

The mediator remains neutral between the husband and the wife. That means the mediator can't give advice to either party, and also can't act as a lawyer for either party. The mediator can be an attorney or a mental health professional with mediation certification.

What the mediator can do, though is to point out in open session to both spouses things that each of them should be aware of regarding what they're trying to accomplish. That open and free exchange of information frees up both spouses to negotiate with each other in confidence. Because both spouses are working with the same base of information, it usually takes far less time to negotiate a resolution that makes sense to both spouses.
The mediator remains neutral between the husband and the wife.

A mediator's approach is more personal and more concerned about the issues than an attorney, and they are more interested in both parties working out an agreeable settlement. If you went to an attorney for divorce filing you would be just a case number; attorneys are in business to make money, not to help divorcing couples resolve their issues amicably. In fact, attorneys make more money than mediators because their approach is adversarial - i.e., the more things you need to workout, the more money they can make.

Mediation can save you hundreds of dollars, and it is a cooperative approach. You and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse can work out the issues in a way that helps you resolve conflicts there and then rather than carrying the baggage into your post-divorce realtionship as co-parents. When you and your divorcing spouse mediate the issues of visitation and custody, YOU own the solutions. They came from you rather than being the result of an attorney's advice or a judge's decision. AND, the most significant thing about that is that the issues you agreed on will fit your lifestyle and the needs of your children better. You and your former spouse can focus on the most important part of your lives from this point forward: being effective co-parents to your children, helping them grow into stable, responsible adults.

Watch for my upcoming classes on Wiz IQ on the issues of divorce recovery. If you can't afford them, I can arrange a way for you to take them.

EMOTIONAL RECOVERY AFTER DIVORCE


We have all read about different approaches to stress managment after divorce. It usually involves exercise, joining a support group, eating right, getting good quality sleep and the like. These are all important things to consider and incorporate into your routine after a divorce. But there is one aspect of emotional recovery after divorce that is not emphasized as much as these. I call it "restoring your inner light". If you are recently divorced and feel emotionally bankrupt your self esteem suffers, your physical self concept suffers and you generally feel unlovable and unattractive. If there is a lot of post-divorce conflict, you are likely to feel stressed out and frazzled. When you are stressed you are likely to be irritable and short of patience with your children and you may not be giving them the quality of time they deserve.

But, don't fret, because there is a solution that will help you not only to cope with post-divorce stress, it is one that will restore you emotionally. Since emotional self-confidence comes from within, it can be depleted during a divorce, and most importantly can be restored from within. Here are some suggestions that will help you restore your inner light and enhance your recovery.

*Meditation - If you have never done this, not to worry. There are many methods, but a very basic and effective one is simply sitting in a comfortable chair with eyes closed, breathing deeply and rythmically. Allow yourself to relax by not entertaining the thoughts that come into your mind - simply ignore them. This can be done by focusing on an imaginary point of light in your inner field of vision. Everything else will fall away as you do.
A good starting point is 15-20 minutes per day. The best time is in the evening when the house is still and the kids are asleep.

*Afirmations - Affirmations are positive, present-tense I-statements to be incorporated into meditation. Some examples: I am lovable and loving. I am a beautiful child of God. I am resilient and adaptable. I rise to the challenge of a new life. When you feel that you have sufficiently relaxed into meditation, begin repeating these slowly, one at a time. After a period of two weeks you should be feeling more confident about divorce recovery.

*Read inspirational books with a meditation for each day. This is a great way to keep yourself focused on emotional recovery; after two weeks of doing this you will begin to feel a growing sense of inner calm.

*Learn Tai Chi - There are some websites that give instructions on simple, basic forms that are easy to learn and practice. Once you have learned a basic form, practicing just 10 minutes a day can give you sense of your own "inner light". You can practice on your lunch break or in the rest room at work. Doing Tai Chi before meditation can enhance the depth of your experience.

*Get familiar with the Grief Process that comes with loss. Here is a brief summary:
>Denial
>Sadness
>Anger
>Bargaining
>Acceptance
Once you are familiar with each of these stages, take them into your meditation time and allow yourself to experience them. This will help you move through the grief process easier than if you let the feelings overwhelm you.


Emotional recovery after divorce starts within, and your sense of confidence and inner peace can be restored much sooner after divorce than using the usual physical stress management approaches. Emotional recovery will come about from the solitude of your emotional self-care. You have the power to makes things better in your life.

Watch for my upcoming classes on WizIQ. If you can't afford them I can help you with arrangements for taking them.

Divorce and ADHD Children

DIVORCE: THE ISSUES AND RECOVERY


DIVORCE AND ADHD CHILDREN

According to a new study by William E. Pelham Jr., PhD, professor of psychology and pediatrics at the University at Buffalo, married couples who have a child with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or attention deficit (ADD) are nearly twice as likely to divorce by the time the child is age 8 than are couples who do not have children affected by the disorder. There are two types of attention deficit: primarily inattentive and (ADD) and impulsive-hyperactive (ADHD).

If you were divorced when your children were at least 6 years old and knew he/she had ADHD, you have become accustomed to doing behavioral support with them. But now that you are divorced, there are some new wrinkles that affect the situation.

Children go through a grief process after divorce and experience sadness, anger and depression, all of which can disrupt an ADHD child's normal home environment.
You probably know by now that ADHD kids need structure and clear rules with clearly understood rewards and consequences.

After a divorce parents often have different rules and structures for their households, but parents of these children need to cooperate as much as possible to keep structures and rules consistent for the well being of the child. One of the most important tasks of divorced parents is becoming cooperative co-parents, and this is even more important for parents of ADHD children.

Here are a some suggestions you can follow for doing that:

*Talk to them honestly about the divorce, using basic words that they can understand. Let them know that you both still love them and will see them often.

*.Give clear instructions and explanations for anything your child does. If a task is complex or lengthy, break it down into steps that are more manageable. As they learn to manage their behavior, the steps and tasks can become more complex.

*. Reward your child for good behavior and tasks completed. Set up a clear system of rewards (gold stars for example) so that the child knows what to expect when they successfully complete a task.

*. Provide a consistent routine in your home, with a certain time for meals, play time, bath and bedtime. It is crucial for ADHD chldren that both parents keep that routine.

*. Have a plan for appropriate discipline that is consistent and fair. This will help your child internalize a sense of structure, which is VERY important after parents are divorced.

*. Let them know in advance anytime there is a change in activity that was planned.

*. Involve your child in constructive mind-building,active play that you can also do.

*. give them a time limit on chores by setting a timer that they can see.

* Limit processed sugar and carbohydrates, which can increase your child's level of activity. Provide fruit juices rather than soda pop or candy.

Grandparents need to be informed about these things so that they can carry on the consistency and structure. Cooperate with teachers and counselors, and have frequent communication with them. Above all, learn to keep your child away from divorce-related conflict. ADHD kids can feel nervous and insecure when there is distraction in their environment. The sooner you and your former spouse learn to work out problems and resolve your own issues of anger and sadness regarding the divorce, the more energy you will have to devote to your child.

CAN YOU STOP A DIVORCE ?

If you have filed for divorce but still love your spouse, and believe that you can still work things out, you may have asked yourself "can I avoid divorce ?" The answer to that question is complex and involves the feelings and attitudes of both you AND your spouse -it's not a one-way street.

Let's start by looking at some well-meaning advice that can be found on the internet about this topic. Many marriage experts claim that if you change your approach in the way you relate to your spouse by agreeing with what they say when you have usually been arguing, that it will turn the problems around and you will find yourselves to be in harmony again, and stop a divorce from happening. Is it really that simple ? Maybe. But maybe not.

Consider this: what are the issues that you usually are in conflict about. Are they about child-raising, money, the stresses of daily life ? are they connected to problems with in-laws ?

If your problems are connected to one of these issues, it is possible that you can work things out with the help of a marriage counselor who can help the two of you talk things out in a logical way. Some marriage counselors will tell you that you should be able to decide within six sessions whether or not your marriage can be saved if it is one of the issues I just mentioned. If the two of you are in agreement that you still love each other, it is possible that with time and effort you can resolve the problems and stop a divorce if you are both committed to doing so and committed to each other.

However, if there are more complex issues involved it won't be so simple. Is infidelity one of the problems ? What about addiction or physical abuse towards you or the children ? It's important to get a clear idea of what the core problems are if you think you can stop a divorce.

If Indifelity is a problem, your main task is communicating with your spouse about what he or she wants from your relationship that they think they are not getting. It is not always about sex. Get help from a marriage therapist or a clergyman to rebuild the trust in your relationship. If that can't be accomplished, or if your spouse won't go to counseling, consider a trial separation and renegotiate with your support person after that.

If you have identified phsyical abuse or addiction as a problem with your marriage, it is crucial that you get help. These two problems require specialized VERY specialized help.

If your spouse is an alcoholic or drug addict, the first thing you must do is learn to take care of yourself. Up to this point you have likely been focused on trying to fix his or her problems connected with the substance abuse. The most important thing you can do in this case is learning and applying what I call the THREE C'S:

1. You didn't cause it
2. You can't control it
3. You can't cure it

The best way to really internalize this truth is by going to Alanon or to a substance abuse education program for family and friends at a local National Council of Alcoholism program. This should your first step towards deciding if you can stop a divorce if this is the problem. If physical abuse is the problem (the two often exist together) you need to learn abou the stages of abuse and how you have been a part of the problem. Briefly, there are 3 stages:

1. Tension building
2. Abuse
3. Honeymoon phase

For further information, see my blog themythofthefriendlydivorce.blogspot.com and scroll down to Divorce and Physical Abuse. This information is also available on the internet. Firstly, just a word of caution to those of you who are in this situation: GET HELP. DO NOT stay in the same house with the abuser.Doing so will only endanger your safety.

We have covered some of the basic problems that lead to divorce. In the process of answering the question "can divorce be stopped?" After you've done that, remember some very basic things about relationships.

1. Good communication skills begin with using "I statements". Avoid blaming and saying "you do this or that".

2. You can NEVER change, coerce or bargain with another person successfully.

3. Put your attention on your needs and what you want, and set about meeting those in other ways, since your spouse is not meeting them.

4. You can't stop a divorce by using new or different sexual techniques to restore their interest. Sex isn't the foundation of a good marriage.

5. Avoid agreeing with your spouse when you don't. That makes you less of an honest person.

6. Avoid trying to convince them you love them as a way of dealing with problems. Problems are a separate issue from love.

If you have been to counseling with a marriage therapist or a clergyman and you are still asking yourself whether you can stop a divorce, honestly and thoroughly consider these ideas and apply them to your situation. Then get support from a good friend. If you will do that, I am certain that you can answer this question for yourself once and for all. Whatever your decision, l wish you success!

DIVORCE AND PHYSICAL ABUSE


Are you recently separated or divorced from an abusing spouse ? If you are one of the fortunate women who have been able to get away from their abuser, there are things about the abuse cycle that you need to know to prevent you from falling into an abusive relationship again, and to help you understand the cycle of physical abuse.

You have double the issues to deal with in this case; The grief process from divorce
and rebuilding your life after abuse. This information will help you with the former.
If you look up http://themythofthefriendlydivorce.blogspot.com, you will find several articles covering the grief process of divorce that can help you.

Abusers can be very charming,and your ex-spouse may try to persuade you into coming back to him so you need to be armed with plenty of knowledge about the pattern of abuse.

The most important issue you need to know about is the cycle of abuse. As you read this, it will give you some insight into your abuser's behavior and what your role in that cycle was. There are differing opinions about the stages of domestic violence,but in general they follow a pattern.

*Stage One: tension-building between you and your partner. He gets upset for trivial things, begins yelling, putting you down is verbally abusive and blames you for making him angry.

*Stage Two: Abuse. abuse follows, which could be hitting, shoving or forcibly grabbing you.

*Stage Three: The honeymoon phase. He feels remorseful. He apologizes, tries to make it up to you by being especially affectionate, buying flowers or gifts, or taking you out to dinner.

Looking back on your experiences with a former spouse who was abusive, you remember that when the apologies and remorse occurs,the honeymoon phase lasts for a while before tension building begins again.

Before you are ready to start dating again,it would be in your best interests to learn more about the personality characteristics of the abuser. This can also jog your memory of what your abuser was like.

Personality of abusers:

* Ridicules and insults women
* Ridicules other races and cultures
* Critical, derisive and name calling
* Controlling
* Deeply insecure

When you start dating again, watch for small subtle things in the men you choose. Are they a control freak about the way they do things or in the way they relate to you ? Are they obsessive about anything ?

Abusers are most likely people who have been abused as children; Perhaps not consistently or severely, but in varied ways that could have included verbal or emotional abuse.

As the former partner of an abuser you have likely experienced shame, humiliation and even suicidal thoughts as a result of the abuser's behavior. You have low self esteem from being constantly put down. You need counseling to help you resolve those issues. If they are not resolved, it is very likely that you will repeat the pattern by attracting someone who is an abuser.

You may say that you won't let it happen again. But, abusers are very charming and personable. And you are very vulnerable and impressionable from living with an abuser. Put those two together and you have a recipe for another relationship with an abuser.

If you use the information on my blog and read as much as you can about the cycles of abusive relationships, you can avoid repeating past patterns in relationships.

Watch for my upcoming online classes on WizIQ. If you can't afford them, I can help you with arrangements for taking them.
Check out my published blog on Google:
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Divorce at 50 Plus

DIVORCE AT 50 PLUS

Are you one of a growing number of people who are getting divorced after 50 ? You are in an altogether different category. More than likely your children are old enough to choose who they want to live with, or are living on their own. You may even have grandchildren.

Since your situation is entirely different, you need different help, support and advice. You don't have child support, custody or visitation issues to think about.
The things you are most likely to be concerned with are the following:

*Religious Issues:
If you stayed married until this point in your life, it's possible that religious beliefs have been a part of that decision. If so, you are likely to have some
shame and guilt about divorcing after being married so long. Give yourself a break on that issue. You have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.
You gave your marriage the best years of your life; You raised children, you built a life together, you acquired assets together.You did all the right things.

*Starting Over Financially:
Since you have shared expenses with your spouse all these years, you are likely to feel insecure and doubtful about your ability to make it on your own. You have options about that. Consult an attorney to get some idea of how much of a settlement you will get. Then see a financial planner for advice about how to best utilize what your part of the assets will be.

*Social Adjustment:
After many years of marriage, your social contacts are likely to be connected with your former spouse. Or your social contacts may be from a religious organization. In either case, you have no obligation to explain your circumstances to anyone. You can continue going the same as you always have.If someone asks about your divorce, you can decide what or how much you want to share with them.

*Family Members:
Family members from both sides are likely to have comments and questions. Again, you don't owe them explanations if you don't feel comfortable doing so. You can just tell them briefly that you made the decision after careful thought, and felt it was the right thing for you.

Adult Children may feel angry or betrayed, or may take the side of one parent over the other. They may lash out and attempt to blame you. However, it is also a high probability that they understand the problem from seeing the way the marriage functioned. The most important thing is to avoid telling them the details of your choice to divorce. Even though they are young adults, they still want to love both parents.Avoid the temptation of turning them against the other parent, no matter how justified you may feel.

*Developing New Friends and Social Activities:
Find new social outlets such as singles groups or divorce support groups. You might be surprised to learn that there are other people who share your circumstances.

*Developing New Interests:
Investigate taking adult education classes. This is a good way to cultivate new interests and meet new people. This can be a fulfilling activity for you since a big part of your identity has been tied to your spouse. Developing new interests and potentials can raise your self esteem, and anything that can help you feel better about yourself will facilitate your adjustment.

Even though this may be a difficult time for you, it can also be a good time. Consider the Chinese Yin-Yang symbol: it involves both dark and light sides, symbolizing both difficulty and opportunity. This is a time for re-inventing yourself, for developing a new lifestyle. You are a unique human being, and this is your time to shine!

Divorce and Parental Alienation

DIVORCE AND PARENTAL ALIENATION