Monday, March 15, 2010


Are you recently separated or divorced from an abusing spouse ? If you are one of the fortunate women who have been able to get away from their abuser, there are things about the abuse cycle that you need to know to prevent you from falling into an abusive relationship again, and to help you understand the cycle of physical abuse.

You have double the issues to deal with in this case; The grief process from divorce
and rebuilding your life after abuse. This information will help you with the former.
If you look up, you will find several articles covering the grief process of divorce that can help you.

Abusers can be very charming,and your ex-spouse may try to persuade you into coming back to him so you need to be armed with plenty of knowledge about the pattern of abuse.

The most important issue you need to know about is the cycle of abuse. As you read this, it will give you some insight into your abuser's behavior and what your role in that cycle was. There are differing opinions about the stages of domestic violence,but in general they follow a pattern.

*Stage One: tension-building between you and your partner. He gets upset for trivial things, begins yelling, putting you down is verbally abusive and blames you for making him angry.

*Stage Two: Abuse. abuse follows, which could be hitting, shoving or forcibly grabbing you.

*Stage Three: The honeymoon phase. He feels remorseful. He apologizes, tries to make it up to you by being especially affectionate, buying flowers or gifts, or taking you out to dinner.

Looking back on your experiences with a former spouse who was abusive, you remember that when the apologies and remorse occurs,the honeymoon phase lasts for a while before tension building begins again.

Before you are ready to start dating again,it would be in your best interests to learn more about the personality characteristics of the abuser. This can also jog your memory of what your abuser was like.

Personality of abusers:

* Ridicules and insults women
* Ridicules other races and cultures
* Critical, derisive and name calling
* Controlling
* Deeply insecure

When you start dating again, watch for small subtle things in the men you choose. Are they a control freak about the way they do things or in the way they relate to you ? Are they obsessive about anything ?

Abusers are most likely people who have been abused as children; Perhaps not consistently or severely, but in varied ways that could have included verbal or emotional abuse.

As the former partner of an abuser you have likely experienced shame, humiliation and even suicidal thoughts as a result of the abuser's behavior. You have low self esteem from being constantly put down. You need counseling to help you resolve those issues. If they are not resolved, it is very likely that you will repeat the pattern by attracting someone who is an abuser.

You may say that you won't let it happen again. But, abusers are very charming and personable. And you are very vulnerable and impressionable from living with an abuser. Put those two together and you have a recipe for another relationship with an abuser.

If you use the information on my blog and read as much as you can about the cycles of abusive relationships, you can avoid repeating past patterns in relationships.

Watch for my upcoming online classes on WizIQ. If you can't afford them, I can help you with arrangements for taking them.
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1 comment:

  1. Divorce brings with it many negative emotions. Some of these emotions can cause stress that will interfere in our ability to function in our every day lives.
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