Monday, March 22, 2010

divorceand emotional abuse, divorce mediation

DIVORCE AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE

If you are planning a divorce or are recently divorced and you feel as though you have been worn down emotionally during the years of your marriage, it is very likely that you suffered from emotional abuse . Emotional abuse can be subtle but it gets progressively worse as time goes on. After a number of years experiencing emotional abuse you can feel like a rock that has been worn down with a steady drip of water.

Let's look at the charactistics of emotional abuse:

*Emotional abuse is any behavior that results in control of another person through constant berating, fear, intimidation, or coercion. It is like brainwashing in the sense that it wears away at your self confidence, sense of self worth and trust in your self.

*Emotional abuse victims become convinced that they are worthless, and often blame themselves for the abuse.

* Emotional abuse, like physical abuse, keeps you tied to the abuser. You believe that no one else could want you, and you fear being alone.

*Emotional abuse is like brainwashing - you lose your sense of self and you become unable to judge the situation realistically.

*The abuser puts unreasonable demands on you for constant attention, but regardless of how much you give, it's never enough.

*The abuser often denies what they said, implying that your perception or memory is faulty.

* The abuser minimizes your hurt, claiming that you are "too sensitive".

* The abuser withholds affection, and often sex They give you the "silent treatment" when you want to talk about the problem.

*Abusers claim that you are the problem, not them.

* You feel like you're walking on eggs because of the abuser's mood swings and emotional outbursts.

No one intends to be in an emotionally abusive relationship, but quite often a person who has been abused came from a family background where they were treated abusively, and as a result they expect to be treated that way as adults. Emotionally abused people are unaware of this because it is the result of long term conditioning. As a result controlling, emotionally abusive people feel familiar or even comfortable to you.

If this has been your experience and you are recently divorced, it is vital to your future well being that you begin to un-learn the conditioning you have experienced. Here are some suggestions about where to start:

Make it a habit to say positive things to yourself, such as I am lovable, attractive and intelligent. Another important thing you can do is to make a personal inventory of your strengths and abilities. Write this in a notebook and read it frequently. After you have done this for a while, start thinking about ways you can develop your talents and potentials. Take an adult education class in a subject that interests you. Instrutors in these classes will give positive feedback to the students. When you get that, learn to accept it and say thank you.

Take time at least once a week to pamper yourself in some way: take a hot bubble bath filled with a soothing fragrance. Eat something deliciously rich and creamy. Treat yourself to lunch with a friend, and spend a bit more than you usually would.

Make it a point to work on developing your talents after doing the personal inventory. There's nothing like success to give you a feeling of self-worth.
Consider joining an Emotions Anonymous group, or spend time on internet social networking sites communicating with people of like mind. After a while of following these suggestions you will begin to feel better about yourself if you are patient and persistent and you allow yourself to have new acquaintances that are positive and supportive.

Eventually, you will begin to develop a healthy self concept and you will gradually overcome the effects of emotional abuse if you can be patient with yourself. After you have followed these suggestions for about six months, you will be ready to give yourself permission to have a full rewarding life!


DIVORCE MEDIATION

Divorce mediation is still like a new idea in some parts of the country, but it's increasingly well-known and widely accepted where it is available. Mediation means different things to different people. In the form I recommend, you and your spouse would sit down in the same room with each other and with a neutral mediator. With the mediator's help, you would work through all the issues you need to resolve so the two of you can get through your divorce.

Although there certainly are several different styles of mediation, there are several things you can depend on no matter what style your mediator uses. Mediation is flexible and confidential. It gives you and your spouse a way to settle the conflicts between you that are an inevitable outcome of a failed marriage. It provides you the means to help you work together as parents after your divorce on the issues of custody, visitation and child support when the divorce is uncontested.

The mediator remains neutral between the husband and the wife. That means the mediator can't give advice to either party, and also can't act as a lawyer for either party. The mediator can be an attorney or a mental health professional with mediation certification.

What the mediator can do, though is to point out in open session to both spouses things that each of them should be aware of regarding what they're trying to accomplish. That open and free exchange of information frees up both spouses to negotiate with each other in confidence. Because both spouses are working with the same base of information, it usually takes far less time to negotiate a resolution that makes sense to both spouses.
The mediator remains neutral between the husband and the wife.

A mediator's approach is more personal and more concerned about the issues than an attorney, and they are more interested in both parties working out an agreeable settlement. If you went to an attorney for divorce filing you would be just a case number; attorneys are in business to make money, not to help divorcing couples resolve their issues amicably. In fact, attorneys make more money than mediators because their approach is adversarial - i.e., the more things you need to workout, the more money they can make.

Mediation can save you hundreds of dollars, and it is a cooperative approach. You and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse can work out the issues in a way that helps you resolve conflicts there and then rather than carrying the baggage into your post-divorce realtionship as co-parents. When you and your divorcing spouse mediate the issues of visitation and custody, YOU own the solutions. They came from you rather than being the result of an attorney's advice or a judge's decision. AND, the most significant thing about that is that the issues you agreed on will fit your lifestyle and the needs of your children better. You and your former spouse can focus on the most important part of your lives from this point forward: being effective co-parents to your children, helping them grow into stable, responsible adults.

Watch for my upcoming classes on Wiz IQ on the issues of divorce recovery. If you can't afford them, I can arrange a way for you to take them.


DIVORCE AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE

If you are planning a divorce or are recently divorced and you feel as though you have been worn down emotionally during the years of your marriage, it is very likely that you suffered from emotional abuse . Emotional abuse can be subtle but it gets progressively worse as time goes on. After a number of years experiencing emotional abuse you can feel like a rock that has been worn down with a steady drip of water.

Let's look at the charactistics of emotional abuse:

*Emotional abuse is any behavior that results in control of another person through constant berating, fear, intimidation, or coercion. It is like brainwashing in the sense that it wears away at your self confidence, sense of self worth and trust in your self.

*Emotional abuse victims become convinced that they are worthless, and often blame themselves for the abuse.

* Emotional abuse, like physical abuse, keeps you tied to the abuser. You believe that no one else could want you, and you fear being alone.

*Emotional abuse is like brainwashing - you lose your sense of self and you become unable to judge the situation realistically.

*The abuser puts unreasonable demands on you for constant attention, but regardless of how much you give, it's never enough.

*The abuser often denies what they said, implying that your perception or memory is faulty.

* The abuser minimizes your hurt, claiming that you are "too sensitive".

* The abuser withholds affection, and often sex They give you the "silent treatment" when you want to talk about the problem.

*Abusers claim that you are the problem, not them.

* You feel like you're walking on eggs because of the abuser's mood swings and emotional outbursts.

No one intends to be in an emotionally abusive relationship, but quite often a person who has been abused came from a family background where they were treated abusively, and as a result they expect to be treated that way as adults. Emotionally abused people are unaware of this because it is the result of long term conditioning. As a result controlling, emotionally abusive people feel familiar or even comfortable to you.

If this has been your experience and you are recently divorced, it is vital to your future well being that you begin to un-learn the conditioning you have experienced. Here are some suggestions about where to start:

Make it a habit to say positive things to yourself, such as I am lovable, attractive and intelligent. Another important thing you can do is to make a personal inventory of your strengths and abilities. Write this in a notebook and read it frequently. After you have done this for a while, start thinking about ways you can develop your talents and potentials. Take an adult education class in a subject that interests you. Instrutors in these classes will give positive feedback to the students. When you get that, learn to accept it and say thank you.

Take time at least once a week to pamper yourself in some way: take a hot bubble bath filled with a soothing fragrance. Eat something deliciously rich and creamy. Treat yourself to lunch with a friend, and spend a bit more than you usually would.

Make it a point to work on developing your talents after doing the personal inventory. There's nothing like success to give you a feeling of self-worth.
Consider joining an Emotions Anonymous group, or spend time on internet social networking sites communicating with people of like mind. After a while of following these suggestions you will begin to feel better about yourself if you are patient and persistent and you allow yourself to have new acquaintances that are positive and supportive.

Eventually, you will begin to develop a healthy self concept and you will gradually overcome the effects of emotional abuse if you can be patient with yourself. After you have followed these suggestions for about six months, you will be ready to give yourself permission to have a full rewarding life!


DIVORCE MEDIATION

Divorce mediation is still like a new idea in some parts of the country, but it's increasingly well-known and widely accepted where it is available. Mediation means different things to different people. In the form I recommend, you and your spouse would sit down in the same room with each other and with a neutral mediator. With the mediator's help, you would work through all the issues you need to resolve so the two of you can get through your divorce.

Although there certainly are several different styles of mediation, there are several things you can depend on no matter what style your mediator uses. Mediation is flexible and confidential. It gives you and your spouse a way to settle the conflicts between you that are an inevitable outcome of a failed marriage. It provides you the means to help you work together as parents after your divorce on the issues of custody, visitation and child support when the divorce is uncontested.

The mediator remains neutral between the husband and the wife. That means the mediator can't give advice to either party, and also can't act as a lawyer for either party. The mediator can be an attorney or a mental health professional with mediation certification.

What the mediator can do, though is to point out in open session to both spouses things that each of them should be aware of regarding what they're trying to accomplish. That open and free exchange of information frees up both spouses to negotiate with each other in confidence. Because both spouses are working with the same base of information, it usually takes far less time to negotiate a resolution that makes sense to both spouses.
The mediator remains neutral between the husband and the wife.

A mediator's approach is more personal and more concerned about the issues than an attorney, and they are more interested in both parties working out an agreeable settlement. If you went to an attorney for divorce filing you would be just a case number; attorneys are in business to make money, not to help divorcing couples resolve their issues amicably. In fact, attorneys make more money than mediators because their approach is adversarial - i.e., the more things you need to workout, the more money they can make.

Mediation can save you hundreds of dollars, and it is a cooperative approach. You and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse can work out the issues in a way that helps you resolve conflicts there and then rather than carrying the baggage into your post-divorce realtionship as co-parents. When you and your divorcing spouse mediate the issues of visitation and custody, YOU own the solutions. They came from you rather than being the result of an attorney's advice or a judge's decision. AND, the most significant thing about that is that the issues you agreed on will fit your lifestyle and the needs of your children better. You and your former spouse can focus on the most important part of your lives from this point forward: being effective co-parents to your children, helping them grow into stable, responsible adults.

Watch for my upcoming classes on Wiz IQ on the issues of divorce recovery. If you can't afford them, I can arrange a way for you to take them.

2 comments:

  1. Hey there! Thank you for sharing your thoughts about divorce mediator in your area. I am glad to stop by your site and know more about divorce mediator. Keep it up! This is a good read. I will be looking forward to visit your page again and for your other posts as well.
    Mediation is applicable to disputes in Prenuptial/Premarital agreements.
    The compassionate and experienced divorce lawyers at Robert E. Hornberger, PC, Attorneys and Counselors at Law have helped many couples like you successfully resolve their divorce through mediation, rather than expensive and stressful litigation. We also regularly and successfully represent couples in all types of divorce proceedings from Contested and Uncontested Divorce, No Fault Divorce, Collaborative Divorce, Child Support and Custody cases and all types of Family Law.

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