TEENS AND DIVORCE

For teens, their parents' divorce can have a significant impact on their life.They feel alone and unsure of the future, and they experience a wide range of emotions. They can feel guilty, thinking that their parents' divorce would not have happened had they argued less or made better grades. They can feel loneliness and depression when their parents are too involved in their own emotions to notice them. Others may have difficulty with dating relationships and sexuality as they see their parents starting new relationships.

They feel protective of parent or the other, they may blame one parent over the other or try to play both parents against each other. They also could feel relieved if there was a lot of conflict. Whatever the case may be their feelings are real and troublesome. It is important to emphasize to teens that parents divorce for many reasons, some of which are related to problems that have existed for years, and that the decision had nothing to do with them. It is also important to emphasize that the parents aren't divorcing THEM. Let them know that you still love them and will continue to be involved in their lives.

One of the most important things divorced parents of teens can do is to maintain consistency in rules between the two households as much as possible. This is a significant component of co-parenting: parents working together to support and monitor their children after they are divorced.

Effective co-parenting involves helping with anything when needed, providing encouragement about grades, and enforcing discipline in a consistent manner. If one parent doesn't cooperate with the other about rules and discipline thinking they are being the teens 'buddy' are actually creating confusion and uncertainty that could cause their teen to act out.

Divorced parents of teens should speak positively of the other parent and avoid putting them in the middle of conflicts or disagreements, regardless of their personal feelings. Fathers need to remain consistently involved in teens' activities, and continue providing warmth and support in whatever way is needed. Both parents should talking to their teen about their own feelings regarding the divorce. Doing so could result in your teen's feeling responsible for YOU. Remember ....you are the parent. They should not feel responsible for your well being. Avoid using visitation rights as a bargaining tool with your teen - it will undermine their confidence in you as a parent and strain your relationship.

Be aware of your own adjustment to divorce, and of the grief process that people go through after the loss of a marriage relationship. Don't let your anger or sadness spill over into your relationship with your teen. Seek counseling or a divorce support group for yourself if you are having difficulty adjusting to the loss. Be alert to any changes in your teen's life; Any changes in grades or changes in the people they choose for friends can be a signal to you to pay closer attention. Any adjustment problems your teen may have are most likely to occur within two years after the divorce. Those who seem to be adjusting "too well", saying "I'm cool with it" or "it's no big deal" may be in denial about the divorce. It may be too soon for them to fully grasp that their parents are divorced Keep in mind that each teen is an individual and will adjust at their own rate.

Remember that your teen needs to maintain relationships with extended family members, including your ex-spouse's family members; do whatever you can to support and reinforce those bonds. Remember also to keep your promises, expressed and implied. It's easy to make more or unrealistic promises when your teen is hurting after divorce - don't compound the problems.

Here is a few other things to avoid with your teen after divorce:

*Don't use them as a spy or messenger regarding the other parent

*Don't use them as a weapon in conflict or visitation issues

*Don't argue with your spouse when the teen can hear you

*Make it a point to have family time

*Be available to listen even if they are angry and blaming you

*Talk about the future

*Reassure them about money issues and be honest about them

Most teens will eventually adapt to their parents' divorce and will develop a more realistic understanding of finances. They will also have an opportunity to develop more maturity that comes with more responsibilities after their parents' diovorce. Remember that kids learn what they live, and you are their role model, especially after divorce. They have the opportunity to learn that problems happen in life, but we can respond to them in positive mature ways.

divorceand emotional abuse, divorce mediation

DIVORCE AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE

If you are planning a divorce or are recently divorced and you feel as though you have been worn down emotionally during the years of your marriage, it is very likely that you suffered from emotional abuse . Emotional abuse can be subtle but it gets progressively worse as time goes on. After a number of years experiencing emotional abuse you can feel like a rock that has been worn down with a steady drip of water.

Let's look at the charactistics of emotional abuse:

*Emotional abuse is any behavior that results in control of another person through constant berating, fear, intimidation, or coercion. It is like brainwashing in the sense that it wears away at your self confidence, sense of self worth and trust in your self.

*Emotional abuse victims become convinced that they are worthless, and often blame themselves for the abuse.

* Emotional abuse, like physical abuse, keeps you tied to the abuser. You believe that no one else could want you, and you fear being alone.

*Emotional abuse is like brainwashing - you lose your sense of self and you become unable to judge the situation realistically.

*The abuser puts unreasonable demands on you for constant attention, but regardless of how much you give, it's never enough.

*The abuser often denies what they said, implying that your perception or memory is faulty.

* The abuser minimizes your hurt, claiming that you are "too sensitive".

* The abuser withholds affection, and often sex They give you the "silent treatment" when you want to talk about the problem.

*Abusers claim that you are the problem, not them.

* You feel like you're walking on eggs because of the abuser's mood swings and emotional outbursts.

No one intends to be in an emotionally abusive relationship, but quite often a person who has been abused came from a family background where they were treated abusively, and as a result they expect to be treated that way as adults. Emotionally abused people are unaware of this because it is the result of long term conditioning. As a result controlling, emotionally abusive people feel familiar or even comfortable to you.

If this has been your experience and you are recently divorced, it is vital to your future well being that you begin to un-learn the conditioning you have experienced. Here are some suggestions about where to start:

Make it a habit to say positive things to yourself, such as I am lovable, attractive and intelligent. Another important thing you can do is to make a personal inventory of your strengths and abilities. Write this in a notebook and read it frequently. After you have done this for a while, start thinking about ways you can develop your talents and potentials. Take an adult education class in a subject that interests you. Instrutors in these classes will give positive feedback to the students. When you get that, learn to accept it and say thank you.

Take time at least once a week to pamper yourself in some way: take a hot bubble bath filled with a soothing fragrance. Eat something deliciously rich and creamy. Treat yourself to lunch with a friend, and spend a bit more than you usually would.

Make it a point to work on developing your talents after doing the personal inventory. There's nothing like success to give you a feeling of self-worth.
Consider joining an Emotions Anonymous group, or spend time on internet social networking sites communicating with people of like mind. After a while of following these suggestions you will begin to feel better about yourself if you are patient and persistent and you allow yourself to have new acquaintances that are positive and supportive.

Eventually, you will begin to develop a healthy self concept and you will gradually overcome the effects of emotional abuse if you can be patient with yourself. After you have followed these suggestions for about six months, you will be ready to give yourself permission to have a full rewarding life!


DIVORCE MEDIATION

Divorce mediation is still like a new idea in some parts of the country, but it's increasingly well-known and widely accepted where it is available. Mediation means different things to different people. In the form I recommend, you and your spouse would sit down in the same room with each other and with a neutral mediator. With the mediator's help, you would work through all the issues you need to resolve so the two of you can get through your divorce.

Although there certainly are several different styles of mediation, there are several things you can depend on no matter what style your mediator uses. Mediation is flexible and confidential. It gives you and your spouse a way to settle the conflicts between you that are an inevitable outcome of a failed marriage. It provides you the means to help you work together as parents after your divorce on the issues of custody, visitation and child support when the divorce is uncontested.

The mediator remains neutral between the husband and the wife. That means the mediator can't give advice to either party, and also can't act as a lawyer for either party. The mediator can be an attorney or a mental health professional with mediation certification.

What the mediator can do, though is to point out in open session to both spouses things that each of them should be aware of regarding what they're trying to accomplish. That open and free exchange of information frees up both spouses to negotiate with each other in confidence. Because both spouses are working with the same base of information, it usually takes far less time to negotiate a resolution that makes sense to both spouses.
The mediator remains neutral between the husband and the wife.

A mediator's approach is more personal and more concerned about the issues than an attorney, and they are more interested in both parties working out an agreeable settlement. If you went to an attorney for divorce filing you would be just a case number; attorneys are in business to make money, not to help divorcing couples resolve their issues amicably. In fact, attorneys make more money than mediators because their approach is adversarial - i.e., the more things you need to workout, the more money they can make.

Mediation can save you hundreds of dollars, and it is a cooperative approach. You and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse can work out the issues in a way that helps you resolve conflicts there and then rather than carrying the baggage into your post-divorce realtionship as co-parents. When you and your divorcing spouse mediate the issues of visitation and custody, YOU own the solutions. They came from you rather than being the result of an attorney's advice or a judge's decision. AND, the most significant thing about that is that the issues you agreed on will fit your lifestyle and the needs of your children better. You and your former spouse can focus on the most important part of your lives from this point forward: being effective co-parents to your children, helping them grow into stable, responsible adults.

Watch for my upcoming classes on Wiz IQ on the issues of divorce recovery. If you can't afford them, I can arrange a way for you to take them.


DIVORCE AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE

If you are planning a divorce or are recently divorced and you feel as though you have been worn down emotionally during the years of your marriage, it is very likely that you suffered from emotional abuse . Emotional abuse can be subtle but it gets progressively worse as time goes on. After a number of years experiencing emotional abuse you can feel like a rock that has been worn down with a steady drip of water.

Let's look at the charactistics of emotional abuse:

*Emotional abuse is any behavior that results in control of another person through constant berating, fear, intimidation, or coercion. It is like brainwashing in the sense that it wears away at your self confidence, sense of self worth and trust in your self.

*Emotional abuse victims become convinced that they are worthless, and often blame themselves for the abuse.

* Emotional abuse, like physical abuse, keeps you tied to the abuser. You believe that no one else could want you, and you fear being alone.

*Emotional abuse is like brainwashing - you lose your sense of self and you become unable to judge the situation realistically.

*The abuser puts unreasonable demands on you for constant attention, but regardless of how much you give, it's never enough.

*The abuser often denies what they said, implying that your perception or memory is faulty.

* The abuser minimizes your hurt, claiming that you are "too sensitive".

* The abuser withholds affection, and often sex They give you the "silent treatment" when you want to talk about the problem.

*Abusers claim that you are the problem, not them.

* You feel like you're walking on eggs because of the abuser's mood swings and emotional outbursts.

No one intends to be in an emotionally abusive relationship, but quite often a person who has been abused came from a family background where they were treated abusively, and as a result they expect to be treated that way as adults. Emotionally abused people are unaware of this because it is the result of long term conditioning. As a result controlling, emotionally abusive people feel familiar or even comfortable to you.

If this has been your experience and you are recently divorced, it is vital to your future well being that you begin to un-learn the conditioning you have experienced. Here are some suggestions about where to start:

Make it a habit to say positive things to yourself, such as I am lovable, attractive and intelligent. Another important thing you can do is to make a personal inventory of your strengths and abilities. Write this in a notebook and read it frequently. After you have done this for a while, start thinking about ways you can develop your talents and potentials. Take an adult education class in a subject that interests you. Instrutors in these classes will give positive feedback to the students. When you get that, learn to accept it and say thank you.

Take time at least once a week to pamper yourself in some way: take a hot bubble bath filled with a soothing fragrance. Eat something deliciously rich and creamy. Treat yourself to lunch with a friend, and spend a bit more than you usually would.

Make it a point to work on developing your talents after doing the personal inventory. There's nothing like success to give you a feeling of self-worth.
Consider joining an Emotions Anonymous group, or spend time on internet social networking sites communicating with people of like mind. After a while of following these suggestions you will begin to feel better about yourself if you are patient and persistent and you allow yourself to have new acquaintances that are positive and supportive.

Eventually, you will begin to develop a healthy self concept and you will gradually overcome the effects of emotional abuse if you can be patient with yourself. After you have followed these suggestions for about six months, you will be ready to give yourself permission to have a full rewarding life!


DIVORCE MEDIATION

Divorce mediation is still like a new idea in some parts of the country, but it's increasingly well-known and widely accepted where it is available. Mediation means different things to different people. In the form I recommend, you and your spouse would sit down in the same room with each other and with a neutral mediator. With the mediator's help, you would work through all the issues you need to resolve so the two of you can get through your divorce.

Although there certainly are several different styles of mediation, there are several things you can depend on no matter what style your mediator uses. Mediation is flexible and confidential. It gives you and your spouse a way to settle the conflicts between you that are an inevitable outcome of a failed marriage. It provides you the means to help you work together as parents after your divorce on the issues of custody, visitation and child support when the divorce is uncontested.

The mediator remains neutral between the husband and the wife. That means the mediator can't give advice to either party, and also can't act as a lawyer for either party. The mediator can be an attorney or a mental health professional with mediation certification.

What the mediator can do, though is to point out in open session to both spouses things that each of them should be aware of regarding what they're trying to accomplish. That open and free exchange of information frees up both spouses to negotiate with each other in confidence. Because both spouses are working with the same base of information, it usually takes far less time to negotiate a resolution that makes sense to both spouses.
The mediator remains neutral between the husband and the wife.

A mediator's approach is more personal and more concerned about the issues than an attorney, and they are more interested in both parties working out an agreeable settlement. If you went to an attorney for divorce filing you would be just a case number; attorneys are in business to make money, not to help divorcing couples resolve their issues amicably. In fact, attorneys make more money than mediators because their approach is adversarial - i.e., the more things you need to workout, the more money they can make.

Mediation can save you hundreds of dollars, and it is a cooperative approach. You and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse can work out the issues in a way that helps you resolve conflicts there and then rather than carrying the baggage into your post-divorce realtionship as co-parents. When you and your divorcing spouse mediate the issues of visitation and custody, YOU own the solutions. They came from you rather than being the result of an attorney's advice or a judge's decision. AND, the most significant thing about that is that the issues you agreed on will fit your lifestyle and the needs of your children better. You and your former spouse can focus on the most important part of your lives from this point forward: being effective co-parents to your children, helping them grow into stable, responsible adults.

Watch for my upcoming classes on Wiz IQ on the issues of divorce recovery. If you can't afford them, I can arrange a way for you to take them.

EMOTIONAL RECOVERY AFTER DIVORCE


We have all read about different approaches to stress managment after divorce. It usually involves exercise, joining a support group, eating right, getting good quality sleep and the like. These are all important things to consider and incorporate into your routine after a divorce. But there is one aspect of emotional recovery after divorce that is not emphasized as much as these. I call it "restoring your inner light". If you are recently divorced and feel emotionally bankrupt your self esteem suffers, your physical self concept suffers and you generally feel unlovable and unattractive. If there is a lot of post-divorce conflict, you are likely to feel stressed out and frazzled. When you are stressed you are likely to be irritable and short of patience with your children and you may not be giving them the quality of time they deserve.

But, don't fret, because there is a solution that will help you not only to cope with post-divorce stress, it is one that will restore you emotionally. Since emotional self-confidence comes from within, it can be depleted during a divorce, and most importantly can be restored from within. Here are some suggestions that will help you restore your inner light and enhance your recovery.

*Meditation - If you have never done this, not to worry. There are many methods, but a very basic and effective one is simply sitting in a comfortable chair with eyes closed, breathing deeply and rythmically. Allow yourself to relax by not entertaining the thoughts that come into your mind - simply ignore them. This can be done by focusing on an imaginary point of light in your inner field of vision. Everything else will fall away as you do.
A good starting point is 15-20 minutes per day. The best time is in the evening when the house is still and the kids are asleep.

*Afirmations - Affirmations are positive, present-tense I-statements to be incorporated into meditation. Some examples: I am lovable and loving. I am a beautiful child of God. I am resilient and adaptable. I rise to the challenge of a new life. When you feel that you have sufficiently relaxed into meditation, begin repeating these slowly, one at a time. After a period of two weeks you should be feeling more confident about divorce recovery.

*Read inspirational books with a meditation for each day. This is a great way to keep yourself focused on emotional recovery; after two weeks of doing this you will begin to feel a growing sense of inner calm.

*Learn Tai Chi - There are some websites that give instructions on simple, basic forms that are easy to learn and practice. Once you have learned a basic form, practicing just 10 minutes a day can give you sense of your own "inner light". You can practice on your lunch break or in the rest room at work. Doing Tai Chi before meditation can enhance the depth of your experience.

*Get familiar with the Grief Process that comes with loss. Here is a brief summary:
>Denial
>Sadness
>Anger
>Bargaining
>Acceptance
Once you are familiar with each of these stages, take them into your meditation time and allow yourself to experience them. This will help you move through the grief process easier than if you let the feelings overwhelm you.


Emotional recovery after divorce starts within, and your sense of confidence and inner peace can be restored much sooner after divorce than using the usual physical stress management approaches. Emotional recovery will come about from the solitude of your emotional self-care. You have the power to makes things better in your life.

Watch for my upcoming classes on WizIQ. If you can't afford them I can help you with arrangements for taking them.

Divorce and ADHD Children

DIVORCE: THE ISSUES AND RECOVERY


DIVORCE AND ADHD CHILDREN

According to a new study by William E. Pelham Jr., PhD, professor of psychology and pediatrics at the University at Buffalo, married couples who have a child with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or attention deficit (ADD) are nearly twice as likely to divorce by the time the child is age 8 than are couples who do not have children affected by the disorder. There are two types of attention deficit: primarily inattentive and (ADD) and impulsive-hyperactive (ADHD).

If you were divorced when your children were at least 6 years old and knew he/she had ADHD, you have become accustomed to doing behavioral support with them. But now that you are divorced, there are some new wrinkles that affect the situation.

Children go through a grief process after divorce and experience sadness, anger and depression, all of which can disrupt an ADHD child's normal home environment.
You probably know by now that ADHD kids need structure and clear rules with clearly understood rewards and consequences.

After a divorce parents often have different rules and structures for their households, but parents of these children need to cooperate as much as possible to keep structures and rules consistent for the well being of the child. One of the most important tasks of divorced parents is becoming cooperative co-parents, and this is even more important for parents of ADHD children.

Here are a some suggestions you can follow for doing that:

*Talk to them honestly about the divorce, using basic words that they can understand. Let them know that you both still love them and will see them often.

*.Give clear instructions and explanations for anything your child does. If a task is complex or lengthy, break it down into steps that are more manageable. As they learn to manage their behavior, the steps and tasks can become more complex.

*. Reward your child for good behavior and tasks completed. Set up a clear system of rewards (gold stars for example) so that the child knows what to expect when they successfully complete a task.

*. Provide a consistent routine in your home, with a certain time for meals, play time, bath and bedtime. It is crucial for ADHD chldren that both parents keep that routine.

*. Have a plan for appropriate discipline that is consistent and fair. This will help your child internalize a sense of structure, which is VERY important after parents are divorced.

*. Let them know in advance anytime there is a change in activity that was planned.

*. Involve your child in constructive mind-building,active play that you can also do.

*. give them a time limit on chores by setting a timer that they can see.

* Limit processed sugar and carbohydrates, which can increase your child's level of activity. Provide fruit juices rather than soda pop or candy.

Grandparents need to be informed about these things so that they can carry on the consistency and structure. Cooperate with teachers and counselors, and have frequent communication with them. Above all, learn to keep your child away from divorce-related conflict. ADHD kids can feel nervous and insecure when there is distraction in their environment. The sooner you and your former spouse learn to work out problems and resolve your own issues of anger and sadness regarding the divorce, the more energy you will have to devote to your child.

CAN YOU STOP A DIVORCE ?

If you have filed for divorce but still love your spouse, and believe that you can still work things out, you may have asked yourself "can I avoid divorce ?" The answer to that question is complex and involves the feelings and attitudes of both you AND your spouse -it's not a one-way street.

Let's start by looking at some well-meaning advice that can be found on the internet about this topic. Many marriage experts claim that if you change your approach in the way you relate to your spouse by agreeing with what they say when you have usually been arguing, that it will turn the problems around and you will find yourselves to be in harmony again, and stop a divorce from happening. Is it really that simple ? Maybe. But maybe not.

Consider this: what are the issues that you usually are in conflict about. Are they about child-raising, money, the stresses of daily life ? are they connected to problems with in-laws ?

If your problems are connected to one of these issues, it is possible that you can work things out with the help of a marriage counselor who can help the two of you talk things out in a logical way. Some marriage counselors will tell you that you should be able to decide within six sessions whether or not your marriage can be saved if it is one of the issues I just mentioned. If the two of you are in agreement that you still love each other, it is possible that with time and effort you can resolve the problems and stop a divorce if you are both committed to doing so and committed to each other.

However, if there are more complex issues involved it won't be so simple. Is infidelity one of the problems ? What about addiction or physical abuse towards you or the children ? It's important to get a clear idea of what the core problems are if you think you can stop a divorce.

If Indifelity is a problem, your main task is communicating with your spouse about what he or she wants from your relationship that they think they are not getting. It is not always about sex. Get help from a marriage therapist or a clergyman to rebuild the trust in your relationship. If that can't be accomplished, or if your spouse won't go to counseling, consider a trial separation and renegotiate with your support person after that.

If you have identified phsyical abuse or addiction as a problem with your marriage, it is crucial that you get help. These two problems require specialized VERY specialized help.

If your spouse is an alcoholic or drug addict, the first thing you must do is learn to take care of yourself. Up to this point you have likely been focused on trying to fix his or her problems connected with the substance abuse. The most important thing you can do in this case is learning and applying what I call the THREE C'S:

1. You didn't cause it
2. You can't control it
3. You can't cure it

The best way to really internalize this truth is by going to Alanon or to a substance abuse education program for family and friends at a local National Council of Alcoholism program. This should your first step towards deciding if you can stop a divorce if this is the problem. If physical abuse is the problem (the two often exist together) you need to learn abou the stages of abuse and how you have been a part of the problem. Briefly, there are 3 stages:

1. Tension building
2. Abuse
3. Honeymoon phase

For further information, see my blog themythofthefriendlydivorce.blogspot.com and scroll down to Divorce and Physical Abuse. This information is also available on the internet. Firstly, just a word of caution to those of you who are in this situation: GET HELP. DO NOT stay in the same house with the abuser.Doing so will only endanger your safety.

We have covered some of the basic problems that lead to divorce. In the process of answering the question "can divorce be stopped?" After you've done that, remember some very basic things about relationships.

1. Good communication skills begin with using "I statements". Avoid blaming and saying "you do this or that".

2. You can NEVER change, coerce or bargain with another person successfully.

3. Put your attention on your needs and what you want, and set about meeting those in other ways, since your spouse is not meeting them.

4. You can't stop a divorce by using new or different sexual techniques to restore their interest. Sex isn't the foundation of a good marriage.

5. Avoid agreeing with your spouse when you don't. That makes you less of an honest person.

6. Avoid trying to convince them you love them as a way of dealing with problems. Problems are a separate issue from love.

If you have been to counseling with a marriage therapist or a clergyman and you are still asking yourself whether you can stop a divorce, honestly and thoroughly consider these ideas and apply them to your situation. Then get support from a good friend. If you will do that, I am certain that you can answer this question for yourself once and for all. Whatever your decision, l wish you success!

DIVORCE AND PHYSICAL ABUSE


Are you recently separated or divorced from an abusing spouse ? If you are one of the fortunate women who have been able to get away from their abuser, there are things about the abuse cycle that you need to know to prevent you from falling into an abusive relationship again, and to help you understand the cycle of physical abuse.

You have double the issues to deal with in this case; The grief process from divorce
and rebuilding your life after abuse. This information will help you with the former.
If you look up http://themythofthefriendlydivorce.blogspot.com, you will find several articles covering the grief process of divorce that can help you.

Abusers can be very charming,and your ex-spouse may try to persuade you into coming back to him so you need to be armed with plenty of knowledge about the pattern of abuse.

The most important issue you need to know about is the cycle of abuse. As you read this, it will give you some insight into your abuser's behavior and what your role in that cycle was. There are differing opinions about the stages of domestic violence,but in general they follow a pattern.

*Stage One: tension-building between you and your partner. He gets upset for trivial things, begins yelling, putting you down is verbally abusive and blames you for making him angry.

*Stage Two: Abuse. abuse follows, which could be hitting, shoving or forcibly grabbing you.

*Stage Three: The honeymoon phase. He feels remorseful. He apologizes, tries to make it up to you by being especially affectionate, buying flowers or gifts, or taking you out to dinner.

Looking back on your experiences with a former spouse who was abusive, you remember that when the apologies and remorse occurs,the honeymoon phase lasts for a while before tension building begins again.

Before you are ready to start dating again,it would be in your best interests to learn more about the personality characteristics of the abuser. This can also jog your memory of what your abuser was like.

Personality of abusers:

* Ridicules and insults women
* Ridicules other races and cultures
* Critical, derisive and name calling
* Controlling
* Deeply insecure

When you start dating again, watch for small subtle things in the men you choose. Are they a control freak about the way they do things or in the way they relate to you ? Are they obsessive about anything ?

Abusers are most likely people who have been abused as children; Perhaps not consistently or severely, but in varied ways that could have included verbal or emotional abuse.

As the former partner of an abuser you have likely experienced shame, humiliation and even suicidal thoughts as a result of the abuser's behavior. You have low self esteem from being constantly put down. You need counseling to help you resolve those issues. If they are not resolved, it is very likely that you will repeat the pattern by attracting someone who is an abuser.

You may say that you won't let it happen again. But, abusers are very charming and personable. And you are very vulnerable and impressionable from living with an abuser. Put those two together and you have a recipe for another relationship with an abuser.

If you use the information on my blog and read as much as you can about the cycles of abusive relationships, you can avoid repeating past patterns in relationships.

Watch for my upcoming online classes on WizIQ. If you can't afford them, I can help you with arrangements for taking them.
Check out my published blog on Google:
href="http://www.themythofthefriendlydivorce.blogspot.com">

Divorce at 50 Plus

DIVORCE AT 50 PLUS

Are you one of a growing number of people who are getting divorced after 50 ? You are in an altogether different category. More than likely your children are old enough to choose who they want to live with, or are living on their own. You may even have grandchildren.

Since your situation is entirely different, you need different help, support and advice. You don't have child support, custody or visitation issues to think about.
The things you are most likely to be concerned with are the following:

*Religious Issues:
If you stayed married until this point in your life, it's possible that religious beliefs have been a part of that decision. If so, you are likely to have some
shame and guilt about divorcing after being married so long. Give yourself a break on that issue. You have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.
You gave your marriage the best years of your life; You raised children, you built a life together, you acquired assets together.You did all the right things.

*Starting Over Financially:
Since you have shared expenses with your spouse all these years, you are likely to feel insecure and doubtful about your ability to make it on your own. You have options about that. Consult an attorney to get some idea of how much of a settlement you will get. Then see a financial planner for advice about how to best utilize what your part of the assets will be.

*Social Adjustment:
After many years of marriage, your social contacts are likely to be connected with your former spouse. Or your social contacts may be from a religious organization. In either case, you have no obligation to explain your circumstances to anyone. You can continue going the same as you always have.If someone asks about your divorce, you can decide what or how much you want to share with them.

*Family Members:
Family members from both sides are likely to have comments and questions. Again, you don't owe them explanations if you don't feel comfortable doing so. You can just tell them briefly that you made the decision after careful thought, and felt it was the right thing for you.

Adult Children may feel angry or betrayed, or may take the side of one parent over the other. They may lash out and attempt to blame you. However, it is also a high probability that they understand the problem from seeing the way the marriage functioned. The most important thing is to avoid telling them the details of your choice to divorce. Even though they are young adults, they still want to love both parents.Avoid the temptation of turning them against the other parent, no matter how justified you may feel.

*Developing New Friends and Social Activities:
Find new social outlets such as singles groups or divorce support groups. You might be surprised to learn that there are other people who share your circumstances.

*Developing New Interests:
Investigate taking adult education classes. This is a good way to cultivate new interests and meet new people. This can be a fulfilling activity for you since a big part of your identity has been tied to your spouse. Developing new interests and potentials can raise your self esteem, and anything that can help you feel better about yourself will facilitate your adjustment.

Even though this may be a difficult time for you, it can also be a good time. Consider the Chinese Yin-Yang symbol: it involves both dark and light sides, symbolizing both difficulty and opportunity. This is a time for re-inventing yourself, for developing a new lifestyle. You are a unique human being, and this is your time to shine!

Divorce and Parental Alienation

DIVORCE AND PARENTAL ALIENATION