THE PROBLEMS AND CONSEQUENCES OF MILITARY DIVORCE
Copyright By Merlene Bishop
If you are the ex-spouse of a military person you know how stressful long deployments can be. Military personnel are expected to put their obligations to their country and their unit first, so there may be a delay in learning about important family issues. Additionally, soldiers travel a lot and the frequent lengthy separations can be hard on the spouses left behind, especially women with children.
Women without children may be more prone to cheating after the long periods without companionship, affection and sex. Men in the military are at a sad disadvantage in the sense that if their wife decides to file for divorce while they are deployed, they are unable to talk out the problems because they are often in isolated places on patrol. This is especially true of military men in Afghanistan now.
Women of military spouses can feel overwhelmed with the family responsibilities and any financial problems that they have to handle alone. Anger and resentment can build up, leaving them inclined to think that life would be better if they had a man in their life who was at home every day. Men on combat duty more often than not develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after seeing their fellow soldiers killed and wounded, or having to kill others designated as the enemy.
This disorder can cause severe nightmares, depression and emotional alienation that stirs up fear for their own safety in wives. Conflict arises between the two and they can't seem to resolve it due to the weight of the other problems and divorce often results. Children of military parents after divorce are likely to suffer from feeling abandoned and unloved because they don't see their fathers often enough.PTSD can be one of the leading causes of military divorce.
After a military divorce, some men who choose not to pay child support are not required by the military to do so. In other cases, military men who pay child support may have so much taken out of their salary that they are unable to save for the time when they are back in civilian life, and they have serious financial hardships when that time comes. Some military men who rejoin civilian life after divorce can feel overwhelmed and suicidal when this happens because they are unable to support themselves due to the amount of child support they are required to pay.
There are some solutions that are being made available now to military spouses on deployment that were not available in the past. With the tech revolution, we have Skype where military people can talk to and see another on computers, and email is another option. However, many men on combat patrol are unable to take advantage of this for long periods of time.
This is a real problem for military families, but there are solutions. Women with children whose husbands are deployed can form support groups for themselves that gives them the help they need in dealing with children and finances. Having this emotional support can make the difference for them and their children. Divorced women can band together individually, or meeting regularly at friends' houses to talk about problems and brainstorm about ways to resolve them.
Divorced people in every walk of life need support, advice and help, and military ex spouses have needs that are greater than the average. Be sure and sign up for my free book here and my divorce support newsletter.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Divorced Men and Financial Problems
DIVORCED MEN AND FINANCIAL PROBLEMS
Quite often when recently divorced men find themselves having problems paying rent or mortgage, utilities, support and buying food it can exacerbate the emotional problems of divorce. When divorced men who are ordered to pay child support are unemployed and having a tough time they may feel depressed, suicidal and helpless. They may not be as aware of women are about food stamp benefits or assistance paying rent or mortgage payments.
If you are a divorced man having these problems, check with your mortgage lender if you own a home. If not, check with a community services agency in your county for help with rent and food assistance. Many men are too proud to ask for help but they don't need to be. Tough times are tough times - period. You can also petition the court for a reduction in child support. This is not always a guarantee, but it doesn't hurt to help.
Divorced men are not as likely as women to reach out for social help, but it is important they recognize that they are going through a grief process that involves sadness, anger and depression. It will help if you talk to other divorced men about how they are coping. If you have no friends who are divorced, consider joining a divorce support group. You will find other men there who are dealing with the same feelings and circumstances of divorce, and their support and advice will make it easier for you to get through the tough emotional and financial times of divorce.
Our society is not very supportive of men and anger. We condition little boys to "be a little man", fathers call their boys "little men" which discourages them from expressing anger. Is it any wonder then that men often do not deal well with the anger they are experiencing after divorce. If men can recognize that and allow themselves to feel angry when it comes up, they will be doing themselves and their children a favor. They will also be less likely to spout off in anger at their ex wives.
The financial problems they have after divorce can add to the anger, and quite often can cause depression, which is understandable when a person feels helpless to solve a problem. If more men understood the emotions that come with divorce they would give themselves permission to experience them, and would also understand that they are temporary and can occur off and on for a year, they would be better able to cope with the financial problems after divorce.
Let's do a review of the grief process in stages:
*Denial: a feeling of unreality, shock and numbness.
*Sadness:feeling down,uninterested in things that are important to you, or that you need to do.
*Anger: this often involves feelings of blaming yourself or your ex for the things that led to divorce.
*Bargaining: you may bargain with yourself that you can turn things around and avoid divorce.
*Acceptance: at this stage of grief you have finally realized that it is not going to go away.
Financial problems can increase the tendency towards angry feelings - anger at your spouse, anger at the situation. They can also increase the feelings of despondency about financial obligations. The most important thing you can do is to get support for yourself from friends, family and other divorced men. Support will help you get through the grief process and be a better father to your children.
See my "divorce ezine" at the top right side of the page, and sign up for my free divorce newsletter. Doing that will get you a free copy of my book.
Quite often when recently divorced men find themselves having problems paying rent or mortgage, utilities, support and buying food it can exacerbate the emotional problems of divorce. When divorced men who are ordered to pay child support are unemployed and having a tough time they may feel depressed, suicidal and helpless. They may not be as aware of women are about food stamp benefits or assistance paying rent or mortgage payments.
If you are a divorced man having these problems, check with your mortgage lender if you own a home. If not, check with a community services agency in your county for help with rent and food assistance. Many men are too proud to ask for help but they don't need to be. Tough times are tough times - period. You can also petition the court for a reduction in child support. This is not always a guarantee, but it doesn't hurt to help.
Divorced men are not as likely as women to reach out for social help, but it is important they recognize that they are going through a grief process that involves sadness, anger and depression. It will help if you talk to other divorced men about how they are coping. If you have no friends who are divorced, consider joining a divorce support group. You will find other men there who are dealing with the same feelings and circumstances of divorce, and their support and advice will make it easier for you to get through the tough emotional and financial times of divorce.
Our society is not very supportive of men and anger. We condition little boys to "be a little man", fathers call their boys "little men" which discourages them from expressing anger. Is it any wonder then that men often do not deal well with the anger they are experiencing after divorce. If men can recognize that and allow themselves to feel angry when it comes up, they will be doing themselves and their children a favor. They will also be less likely to spout off in anger at their ex wives.
The financial problems they have after divorce can add to the anger, and quite often can cause depression, which is understandable when a person feels helpless to solve a problem. If more men understood the emotions that come with divorce they would give themselves permission to experience them, and would also understand that they are temporary and can occur off and on for a year, they would be better able to cope with the financial problems after divorce.
Let's do a review of the grief process in stages:
*Denial: a feeling of unreality, shock and numbness.
*Sadness:feeling down,uninterested in things that are important to you, or that you need to do.
*Anger: this often involves feelings of blaming yourself or your ex for the things that led to divorce.
*Bargaining: you may bargain with yourself that you can turn things around and avoid divorce.
*Acceptance: at this stage of grief you have finally realized that it is not going to go away.
Financial problems can increase the tendency towards angry feelings - anger at your spouse, anger at the situation. They can also increase the feelings of despondency about financial obligations. The most important thing you can do is to get support for yourself from friends, family and other divorced men. Support will help you get through the grief process and be a better father to your children.
See my "divorce ezine" at the top right side of the page, and sign up for my free divorce newsletter. Doing that will get you a free copy of my book.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Are Divorced Fathers Getting The Shaft ?
DIVORCE AND MEN
Copyright By Merlene Bishop
Men, this is for you so listen up. Quite often men spend too much in getting a divorce because they use an attorney, which they do if they don't know about mediation. It is better for you financially speaking to work out the best possible arrangement you can with your wife about property division, custody and child support. You also need to have a parenting plan that has clear guidelines for visitation, special occasions and holidays. This needs to be worked out before your court hearing.
Another important thing to consider for your children's future is working out an agreement with your wife about the their education. You can both set aside an equal amount every month in a special fund which needs to be flexible enough to allow for income fluctuation . This is much more of a fair arrangement for both of you and establishes a good foundation for their education.
I am sure you know how important it is to your children's well being to be an involved father. Children whose fathers are not consistent with visitation are prone to having many problems as they are growing up, including emotional problems, high school dropout, substance abuse and a tendency towards criminal behavior.
It is imperative that you remain involved in your children's lives, regardless of what happens between you and your wife after divorce. Don't let post-divorce conflict keep you away from your children. Many men who have conflict with their ex wives often give up trying to maintain contact with their children because it seems easier to give up. If you are going through this, it would be to your advantage to find a divorce support group. They can be found by looking up divorce support groups on the internet. They are available in many churches and the hours are convenient for working parents.
You can be a FANTASTIC dad if you make the effort !
Sign up for my divorce newsletter and get a free copy of my book shown on the upper right side of the page.
Copyright By Merlene Bishop
Men, this is for you so listen up. Quite often men spend too much in getting a divorce because they use an attorney, which they do if they don't know about mediation. It is better for you financially speaking to work out the best possible arrangement you can with your wife about property division, custody and child support. You also need to have a parenting plan that has clear guidelines for visitation, special occasions and holidays. This needs to be worked out before your court hearing.
Another important thing to consider for your children's future is working out an agreement with your wife about the their education. You can both set aside an equal amount every month in a special fund which needs to be flexible enough to allow for income fluctuation . This is much more of a fair arrangement for both of you and establishes a good foundation for their education.
I am sure you know how important it is to your children's well being to be an involved father. Children whose fathers are not consistent with visitation are prone to having many problems as they are growing up, including emotional problems, high school dropout, substance abuse and a tendency towards criminal behavior.
It is imperative that you remain involved in your children's lives, regardless of what happens between you and your wife after divorce. Don't let post-divorce conflict keep you away from your children. Many men who have conflict with their ex wives often give up trying to maintain contact with their children because it seems easier to give up. If you are going through this, it would be to your advantage to find a divorce support group. They can be found by looking up divorce support groups on the internet. They are available in many churches and the hours are convenient for working parents.
You can be a FANTASTIC dad if you make the effort !
Sign up for my divorce newsletter and get a free copy of my book shown on the upper right side of the page.
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Detrimental Effects of Divorce On Children
THE DETRIMENTAL EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON CHILDRENS' WELL BEING
Copyright by Merlene Bishop, M.A.
Twenty five years ago a psychologist named Judith Wallerstein did some psychological research studies on the long term effects of divorce on children. She surveyed and followed up with 131 children of divorce to determine the long term effects of divorce on children's well being. Her results were interesting and surprising, and divorcing parents need to understand what they were.
The results indicated that when there was continuing conflict among divorced parents, children's self esteem was damaged, and they had poor school performance. They were also vulnerable to substance abuse, were sexually active much earlier, were likely to have trust issues in close relationships and were more vulnerable to divorce themselves after marriage.
The pain for adults subsides more quickly after divorce, but it can continue for years in children if there is continuing conflict between parents. She learned that children can survive divorce in a positive way if the parents are open and honest with their children, and if they can learn to avoid exposing children to conflict. This can be avoided if parents can learn to talk to each other rationally and agree to talk about problems when the children are not around.
In today's world, cell phones and email are convenient tools for communicating without children hearing it. If you are in disagreement or conflict with your ex spouse, you always have the option to hang up if talking on the phone. Make it a point to email them later to discuss the problem, and always save your messages.
Make a log on a computer program such as Notepad, Open Office or Microsoft Word that contains everything you talked about, including the date and time of the conversation.This strategy can help remind you and your former spouse of exactly what you said and when. Divorced people can be emotional at times and a business-like approach can help reduce the propensity and frequency of conflict. Additionally, if parents can avoid blaming each other for small problems they are likely to have less conflict.
If either parent is remarried and the new spouse has issues with the child support payments or visitation schedules this can be a source of conflict also. When children are exposed to continung conflict after parental divorce, it can damage their self esteem and cause them to feel emotionally abandoned.
If you are unable to establish business-like communication with your former spouse, you need to find support for yourself and your children. Divorce support groups are a good resource for support for you.
It is also essential as a source for helping your child understand what is happening between parents and for helping you learn how to talk to them in a way that avoids deragatory comments.
The detrimental effects of divorce conflict on children can be mitigated if adults are willing to work on the problems, either separately or collaboratively. If your spouse is not cooperative in doing this, counseling can be helpful in learning techniques for effectively dealing with conflict. Your child's well being is at stake.
Copyright by Merlene Bishop, M.A.
Twenty five years ago a psychologist named Judith Wallerstein did some psychological research studies on the long term effects of divorce on children. She surveyed and followed up with 131 children of divorce to determine the long term effects of divorce on children's well being. Her results were interesting and surprising, and divorcing parents need to understand what they were.
The results indicated that when there was continuing conflict among divorced parents, children's self esteem was damaged, and they had poor school performance. They were also vulnerable to substance abuse, were sexually active much earlier, were likely to have trust issues in close relationships and were more vulnerable to divorce themselves after marriage.
The pain for adults subsides more quickly after divorce, but it can continue for years in children if there is continuing conflict between parents. She learned that children can survive divorce in a positive way if the parents are open and honest with their children, and if they can learn to avoid exposing children to conflict. This can be avoided if parents can learn to talk to each other rationally and agree to talk about problems when the children are not around.
In today's world, cell phones and email are convenient tools for communicating without children hearing it. If you are in disagreement or conflict with your ex spouse, you always have the option to hang up if talking on the phone. Make it a point to email them later to discuss the problem, and always save your messages.
Make a log on a computer program such as Notepad, Open Office or Microsoft Word that contains everything you talked about, including the date and time of the conversation.This strategy can help remind you and your former spouse of exactly what you said and when. Divorced people can be emotional at times and a business-like approach can help reduce the propensity and frequency of conflict. Additionally, if parents can avoid blaming each other for small problems they are likely to have less conflict.
If either parent is remarried and the new spouse has issues with the child support payments or visitation schedules this can be a source of conflict also. When children are exposed to continung conflict after parental divorce, it can damage their self esteem and cause them to feel emotionally abandoned.
If you are unable to establish business-like communication with your former spouse, you need to find support for yourself and your children. Divorce support groups are a good resource for support for you.
It is also essential as a source for helping your child understand what is happening between parents and for helping you learn how to talk to them in a way that avoids deragatory comments.
The detrimental effects of divorce conflict on children can be mitigated if adults are willing to work on the problems, either separately or collaboratively. If your spouse is not cooperative in doing this, counseling can be helpful in learning techniques for effectively dealing with conflict. Your child's well being is at stake.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Dealing With Money Issues For The Custodial Parent
Dealing With Money Issues For The Custodial Parent
If you are the custodial parent, you have a lot of financial responsibility on your plate. If you have child support, that is tremendously helpful, but it doesn't cover all the bases. You can find ways to be thrifty without denying your child enjoyment. The following is a list of possible activities that are enjoyable yet inexpensive.
*Take them to the park with their bicycles
*Join a single parents' support group that has family activities
*Go to local historical sites that are free or inexpensive
*Do creative projects at home
*Take them to the library for scheduled story times-almost every library has them.
Buy some of your child's clothing at garage sales, thrift stores or consignment stores. If you visit them frequently you will get an idea of which ones have the best "stuff". Take your kids with you to let them pick out their choices, tell them in advance how much you can spend, and point out what the price is of each item.
You can tell them that if you save money on clothes, there will be more money for treats. Give your children an allowance, no matter how small, and encourage them to save a small portion of it for an activity or an item that they want, and let them know you will match their amount with whatever you can afford. Of course, this is something you would want to research ahead of time so you will know how much you can spend.
The financial challenges of divorce don't have to be overwhelming and negative. If you involve your children in creative ideas it can make the new life seem fun. You can also find ways to save on money for your own needs. The thrift store idea can work for you too. On the weekends that your children are with the other parent, you can take just a couple of hours to browse the ones that you have been in for the kids' clothes to find things for yourself. You'd be surprised what you can find in the way of adult clothes that are up to date fashion and gently worn.
Saving money on food can be easily done if you make a list before you grocery shop, and talk to the kids before you go about not buying anything impulsively. You can allow for a few healthy treats without buying a lot of junk food or sweets. Snacks can be inexpensive if you plan ahead. Involving the kids in the process of saving can go a long way towards enhancing a sense of family cooperation, and can also help them learn valuable lessons in spending money responsibly.
Another idea for coping with the financial challenges of being the custodial parent is negotiating with the other parent about the childrens' special needs for extra-curricular activities. For example, if you child is in sports and needs money for the uniforms negotiate with your ex-spouse to give you a certain amount each week on an installment basis to buy the needed items. This can ease your burden and contribute to the cooperative co-parent relationship between you and your ex. It can also involve your ex spouse in your kids' activities, which is important and necessary for maintaining a sense of continuity in their relationship.
On the upper right side of the blog, you can sign up for my divorce ezine (newsletter) and my free book on divorce issues. For more information you can also go to selfgrowth.com and ezinearticles.com for my articles there.
If you have any questions that I can answer personally, you can write to:divorcerecoverysupport@gmail.com
If you are the custodial parent, you have a lot of financial responsibility on your plate. If you have child support, that is tremendously helpful, but it doesn't cover all the bases. You can find ways to be thrifty without denying your child enjoyment. The following is a list of possible activities that are enjoyable yet inexpensive.
*Take them to the park with their bicycles
*Join a single parents' support group that has family activities
*Go to local historical sites that are free or inexpensive
*Do creative projects at home
*Take them to the library for scheduled story times-almost every library has them.
Buy some of your child's clothing at garage sales, thrift stores or consignment stores. If you visit them frequently you will get an idea of which ones have the best "stuff". Take your kids with you to let them pick out their choices, tell them in advance how much you can spend, and point out what the price is of each item.
You can tell them that if you save money on clothes, there will be more money for treats. Give your children an allowance, no matter how small, and encourage them to save a small portion of it for an activity or an item that they want, and let them know you will match their amount with whatever you can afford. Of course, this is something you would want to research ahead of time so you will know how much you can spend.
The financial challenges of divorce don't have to be overwhelming and negative. If you involve your children in creative ideas it can make the new life seem fun. You can also find ways to save on money for your own needs. The thrift store idea can work for you too. On the weekends that your children are with the other parent, you can take just a couple of hours to browse the ones that you have been in for the kids' clothes to find things for yourself. You'd be surprised what you can find in the way of adult clothes that are up to date fashion and gently worn.
Saving money on food can be easily done if you make a list before you grocery shop, and talk to the kids before you go about not buying anything impulsively. You can allow for a few healthy treats without buying a lot of junk food or sweets. Snacks can be inexpensive if you plan ahead. Involving the kids in the process of saving can go a long way towards enhancing a sense of family cooperation, and can also help them learn valuable lessons in spending money responsibly.
Another idea for coping with the financial challenges of being the custodial parent is negotiating with the other parent about the childrens' special needs for extra-curricular activities. For example, if you child is in sports and needs money for the uniforms negotiate with your ex-spouse to give you a certain amount each week on an installment basis to buy the needed items. This can ease your burden and contribute to the cooperative co-parent relationship between you and your ex. It can also involve your ex spouse in your kids' activities, which is important and necessary for maintaining a sense of continuity in their relationship.
On the upper right side of the blog, you can sign up for my divorce ezine (newsletter) and my free book on divorce issues. For more information you can also go to selfgrowth.com and ezinearticles.com for my articles there.
If you have any questions that I can answer personally, you can write to:divorcerecoverysupport@gmail.com
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Problems With New Relationships After Divorce
Copywright by Merlene Bishop
Some divorced parents get into rebound relationships with people that are jealous of the ex-spouse or jealous of the child support payments, which can cause major problems for the children indirectly. The conflict that can develop between divorced parents in these situations can be very detrimental to children. They can easily begin to feel that they are the source of the problems, which can lower their self esteem.
Some non-custodial fathers get into new relationships with women who want to take over the parenting when the children visit. If they are allowed to do this, it can cause confusion for the children about who the parental authority is. If the new relationship person is jealous of the former spouse, this is also detrimental to the childrens' self esteem, since they are 50% of each parent and they identify with their parents, especially the one of the same sex.
If your ex-spouse has a new relationship that has been introduced to his or her family and is included in the family activities it can cause some jealousy for you. Your family of your former spouse may have some negative attitudes towards you, and if they think that the new romantic interest is a great person that can also stir up some jealousy and anger.
Your spouse may have a new relationship with someone who has children, and that can be a difficult situation for your kids to adjust to. They may feel that because of mom or dad's new interest, they don't get enough quality time with him or her, and they may resent the other person's children because of it.
Sometimes the children of the new relationship interest may not get along well with yours, which can impose on their quality of time with the non-custodial parent. Another situation that many people don't give much thought to is the issue of attachment and loss regarding your children, the new love interest and their children.
When a divorced parent includes their new romantic interest and that person's children in the time they have with their own children, the children begin to get attached to them, and if the relationship doesn't work out your children go through another loss. This can seriously affect their ability to develop healthy opposite sex relationships as they begin to date and can affect their ability to form a lasting marriage. The reason for this is that in this scenario of attachment and loss that can go on for quite a while after their parents' divorce, children develop trust issues and they can also develop the attitude that relationships are fickle and don't last.
In a divorce education class I recently taught to a group of teens, one girl said "men leave" regarding her mom's new relationships after divorce. When I asked the group if they would ever get married, they laughed. A word of wisdom, divorced parents !
How sad that a child would develop an attitude that would prevent them from forming healthy lasting bonds with relationships. The outcome could likely be a string of failed relationships during a major portion of their lives. Please consider this issue regarding your new romantic relationships, and keep them separate from your children's lives when at all possible. Their emotional well being is at stake and your esteem as a parent in their perceptions is also.
For more good reading on divorce recovery go to divorceissuessandrecovery.blogspot.com. While you are there sign up for my free newsletter (it says ezine in the side bar) and my free divorce recovery book. There is NO obligation to you whatsoever.
More of my divorce recovery issues can also be found by doing a search of Google under that name.
y
Copywright by Merlene Bishop
Some divorced parents get into rebound relationships with people that are jealous of the ex-spouse or jealous of the child support payments, which can cause major problems for the children indirectly. The conflict that can develop between divorced parents in these situations can be very detrimental to children. They can easily begin to feel that they are the source of the problems, which can lower their self esteem.
Some non-custodial fathers get into new relationships with women who want to take over the parenting when the children visit. If they are allowed to do this, it can cause confusion for the children about who the parental authority is. If the new relationship person is jealous of the former spouse, this is also detrimental to the childrens' self esteem, since they are 50% of each parent and they identify with their parents, especially the one of the same sex.
If your ex-spouse has a new relationship that has been introduced to his or her family and is included in the family activities it can cause some jealousy for you. Your family of your former spouse may have some negative attitudes towards you, and if they think that the new romantic interest is a great person that can also stir up some jealousy and anger.
Your spouse may have a new relationship with someone who has children, and that can be a difficult situation for your kids to adjust to. They may feel that because of mom or dad's new interest, they don't get enough quality time with him or her, and they may resent the other person's children because of it.
Sometimes the children of the new relationship interest may not get along well with yours, which can impose on their quality of time with the non-custodial parent. Another situation that many people don't give much thought to is the issue of attachment and loss regarding your children, the new love interest and their children.
When a divorced parent includes their new romantic interest and that person's children in the time they have with their own children, the children begin to get attached to them, and if the relationship doesn't work out your children go through another loss. This can seriously affect their ability to develop healthy opposite sex relationships as they begin to date and can affect their ability to form a lasting marriage. The reason for this is that in this scenario of attachment and loss that can go on for quite a while after their parents' divorce, children develop trust issues and they can also develop the attitude that relationships are fickle and don't last.
In a divorce education class I recently taught to a group of teens, one girl said "men leave" regarding her mom's new relationships after divorce. When I asked the group if they would ever get married, they laughed. A word of wisdom, divorced parents !
How sad that a child would develop an attitude that would prevent them from forming healthy lasting bonds with relationships. The outcome could likely be a string of failed relationships during a major portion of their lives. Please consider this issue regarding your new romantic relationships, and keep them separate from your children's lives when at all possible. Their emotional well being is at stake and your esteem as a parent in their perceptions is also.
For more good reading on divorce recovery go to divorceissuessandrecovery.blogspot.com. While you are there sign up for my free newsletter (it says ezine in the side bar) and my free divorce recovery book. There is NO obligation to you whatsoever.
More of my divorce recovery issues can also be found by doing a search of Google under that name.
y
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
DIVORCE AND ADDICTION
DIVORCE AND ADDICTION
Does your ex-spouse have a problem with addiction ? If so, you have double the issues to deal with. It's likely that the addiction problem existed before the divorce, and you tried everything you knew to cope with it. Here's some news for you: there is nothing you can do to stop another person from drinking or using drugs. You may have discovered that by now. If not, give it time to soak in.
At this point, I want to share something with you that could be a tremendous help. It's called THE THREE C'S:
1)You didn't cause it
2)You can't control it
3)You can't cure it
If you can remember that you can gain some much needed peace of mind. Now, this brings us to another issue: what do I tell my children about their mom/dad's addiction ? The most important thing they need to know is this - it has nothing to do with them. Let them know mom/dad has a disease that is causing their behavior. He or she is not acting that way because they are a jerk, or because they don't love their children.
Tell them about the THREE C'S. This is also the core issue of divorce that children need to understand.
When the childen visit mom/dad, there are strategies for keeping safe when they are with him or her when under the influence. Encourage them to call you when the other parent is drinking or drugging so you can make arrangements to bring them home.. Knowing they can call you anytime can give them a feeling of security. Encourage them to avoid arguing, nagging or pleading with mom/dad when they are drinking or drugging. This could make the situation more risky.
If they have no choice but to ride in the car with that parent, emphasize the importance of seat belts. Let them know it's not a good idea to argue between themselves, or do anything that would increase the stress level in the situation. DON'T ROCK THE BOAT are the keywords in this situation.
As for your dealings with the former spouse, don't try to talk rationally when they are under the influence. If you have an issue to discuss with them make notes ahead of time about what you will talk about and communicate in a business-like way. Avoid talking in person with them. Phone or email communication is more objective than face-to-face. There are fewer possibilities of getting hooked into conflict.
One last but very important coping skill for you and your children is Alanon for you, a 12-step support group for people with substance abusers in their lives. Another good option is the How To Cope program that the National Council of Alcoholism and Drug Dependence sponsors. They have a program for adults and for children that is very helpful and effective. You and the children will get all the information you need to know about the disease of addiction.
I would suggest family counseling for you and your children in addition to How To Cope. You are dealing with very complex issues. Remember that you are and the kids are also going through a grief process regarding the loss of the other parent. One important thing to keep in mind is this: your grief process started long ago as your spouse's addiction began to be the focus of your family life. Allow yourself the time to feel sad and angry about the situation. Your spouse's addiction is not your fault. He/she made their own choices to drink or use drugs. You can't control that.
What you CAN control is your own emotional responses. Recognize that you are not a victim. You have choices and you can avoid blaming the other parent. Blaming keeps us helpless and stuck. In order to go forward with your life, you need to DETACH from obsessing about that person's problem. The best strategy at this point for you and your children is to make a life that focuses on YOUR needs and goals.You can, through reading about the effects of substance abuse on the family, gain the necessary knowledge that will help you GROW through this experience and come out a healthier, happier person. The following are suggested sites to explore.
www.http://healthyplace.com AND www.http://livestrong.com
link for further information on co-parenting with a substance abusing ex:
Click Here!
POSTED BY MERLENE BISHOP AT 4:15 PM
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27, 2010
Does your ex-spouse have a problem with addiction ? If so, you have double the issues to deal with. It's likely that the addiction problem existed before the divorce, and you tried everything you knew to cope with it. Here's some news for you: there is nothing you can do to stop another person from drinking or using drugs. You may have discovered that by now. If not, give it time to soak in.
At this point, I want to share something with you that could be a tremendous help. It's called THE THREE C'S:
1)You didn't cause it
2)You can't control it
3)You can't cure it
If you can remember that you can gain some much needed peace of mind. Now, this brings us to another issue: what do I tell my children about their mom/dad's addiction ? The most important thing they need to know is this - it has nothing to do with them. Let them know mom/dad has a disease that is causing their behavior. He or she is not acting that way because they are a jerk, or because they don't love their children.
Tell them about the THREE C'S. This is also the core issue of divorce that children need to understand.
When the childen visit mom/dad, there are strategies for keeping safe when they are with him or her when under the influence. Encourage them to call you when the other parent is drinking or drugging so you can make arrangements to bring them home.. Knowing they can call you anytime can give them a feeling of security. Encourage them to avoid arguing, nagging or pleading with mom/dad when they are drinking or drugging. This could make the situation more risky.
If they have no choice but to ride in the car with that parent, emphasize the importance of seat belts. Let them know it's not a good idea to argue between themselves, or do anything that would increase the stress level in the situation. DON'T ROCK THE BOAT are the keywords in this situation.
As for your dealings with the former spouse, don't try to talk rationally when they are under the influence. If you have an issue to discuss with them make notes ahead of time about what you will talk about and communicate in a business-like way. Avoid talking in person with them. Phone or email communication is more objective than face-to-face. There are fewer possibilities of getting hooked into conflict.
One last but very important coping skill for you and your children is Alanon for you, a 12-step support group for people with substance abusers in their lives. Another good option is the How To Cope program that the National Council of Alcoholism and Drug Dependence sponsors. They have a program for adults and for children that is very helpful and effective. You and the children will get all the information you need to know about the disease of addiction.
I would suggest family counseling for you and your children in addition to How To Cope. You are dealing with very complex issues. Remember that you are and the kids are also going through a grief process regarding the loss of the other parent. One important thing to keep in mind is this: your grief process started long ago as your spouse's addiction began to be the focus of your family life. Allow yourself the time to feel sad and angry about the situation. Your spouse's addiction is not your fault. He/she made their own choices to drink or use drugs. You can't control that.
What you CAN control is your own emotional responses. Recognize that you are not a victim. You have choices and you can avoid blaming the other parent. Blaming keeps us helpless and stuck. In order to go forward with your life, you need to DETACH from obsessing about that person's problem. The best strategy at this point for you and your children is to make a life that focuses on YOUR needs and goals.You can, through reading about the effects of substance abuse on the family, gain the necessary knowledge that will help you GROW through this experience and come out a healthier, happier person. The following are suggested sites to explore.
www.http://healthyplace.com AND www.http://livestrong.com
link for further information on co-parenting with a substance abusing ex:
Click Here!
POSTED BY MERLENE BISHOP AT 4:15 PM
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27, 2010
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